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An NC interview with characters you never got to love.

by Andrew - March 26, 2002

Okay, I know the site was supposed to go up on the 15th of February but that didn't happen. It seems that my internet connection was cut off on the 14th right after I uploaded the pseudo splash/temporary page. No joke. I uploaded the shit and was disconnected not even a minute afterwards. The reason my internet was disconnected is a long and painful story. I wasn't paying for it. It's pretty easy to understand how I got away with not paying for internet for as long as I did with this simple equation:

Good ol'Dad works at an ISP = Free Internet for me!

You see? It even ryhmes. The only problem is that the above equation is no longer true. My dad's company sold the ISP to some big mega-conglomerate-super-japanese-investor-company also know as MTS. So I get screwed over. But for now, enjoy this article while I initiate OPERATION: GET AWESOME DSL FOR ME NOW.

Another pre-script (is that a word?) is that our good friend Nathan lost his closest and dearest friend. Yes, his hard drive crashed. That's why you haven't seen any updates on this site or his. So, he's screwed. Haha

Again, ANOTHER pre-script type thing (are we ever going to get to the fucking interview?). Nathan's hard drive didn't actually crash, it just became unplugged and by the time you read this I'll have my internet back. In other words, OPERATION: GET AWESOME DSL FOR ME NOW was a success. But really, let's just get onto the interview, this is getting fucking rediculous.

Today we welcome a few of the lesser known characters from the smash hit video game "Super Mario Bros." for the NES. I'm sure that all of you know of Mario and Luigi, Princess Toadstool and Bowser, King of the Koopa. And doing an interview with these characters has been, well, done.

Dave: This Nintendo gig seems to be going good for you.

Mario: Yeah, you know nothing's better than my millions of dollars! Except the sex! Wowzah!

Everyone knows by now that Mario is the only plumber that has sex on a regular basis. And from the sounds of it, really good sex.

So this is why I wanted to interview some of the lesser known characters from this classic game (also because Mario wouldn't return my calls, but that's another story). My frist guest tonight first appeared in World 4-1 where he was thrown out of a cloud by a mysterious turtle named Lakitu. Everyone, give a warm welcome to Stu Spiny!

Stu: Hey, everyone. Hey Andrew.

Andrew: Hello Stu, great to have you here tonight. So let's get right down to business. You, along with many other of your kind, were hurled at least.. it's got to be around a hundred feet...

Stu: Yeah, it was something like that...

Andrew: ...towards the rock hard ground. Didn't that hurt?

Stu: Well, I'll tell ya, it was pretty rough. That damn bastard, Mario, or his brother would come maybe, twice, three times a week. Jabberin' some non-sense about Princess Toadstool being kidnapped and Bowser being behind it.

Andrew: You mean they came back more than once?

Stu: Oh yeah. The first time it was legit. He had to go save the princess and all that. Of course, we, being aligned with evil, had to put an end to his efforts. After we eventually failed we thought that would be the end of it. But no, he kept coming back. Still jabbering about the princess and something about kicking my ass. We had to put him out of his misery, it was the only humane thing to do.

Andrew: You said you failed. I'm guessing that Bowser wasn't to happy about that.

Stu: Hell no! He was downright pissed! But what could he do? He was shit out of luck.

Andrew: So, why did you join Bowser and his minions in the first place? You knew them to be evil, didn't you?

Stu: Yeah, I knew they were evil. But I needed the money to support a friend who goes by the name of Jack Daniels. And when you're broke, any pay is good pay. Hell, we weren't even making minimum wage.

Andrew: Do we have a clip with you in action?

Stu: Yeah, I think this is it here. It's me falling, and then hitting the ground. Watch for the perfect landing.

Andrew: Excellent. Let's bring out the second guest.

This guy has a taste for Mario flesh! His specialty is chomping. Please give a warm welcome for the part fish, part plant, Pirana Plant Pete from world 1-2!!

Andrew: Welcome here!

Pete: ... *chomp!*

Andrew: Umm, yes. So how'd you get sunlight in that dark dungeon anyways?

Pete: ... *chomp!* *chomp!*

Andrew: ... ... ... ... Well, okay. Do we have a clip?

Andrew: Well, that's exciting. How 'bout the next and final guest of the evening?

Right on the front lines, this guy knows what it's like with nothing standing between him and certain death! He survived (somehow) and now he's here to share his story. Please welcome the Little Goomba from World 1-1, Greg!

Greg: Hello.

Andrew: Hey, Greg. So tell me a little about yourself.

Greg: Well, as you've already said, I was on the front lines. Not much standing between me and the all mighty Mario Brothers. Infact, even before they got to me, some SM Brother supporters made an air drop. And in the container? One of the magic mushrooms. Now, I'm not going to say much about their shroom addiction, but I will say this; when one of them ate a magic mushroom, they grew damn near twice the size! Those were truely magic mushrooms. And then...

Pete: *chomp*

Greg: ... and then he would without fail, jump on me noggin. I don't remember much after that. I seem to recall the number 100 for some reason, but it's all really a blur.

Andrew: So why did you betray the Mushroom Kingdom?

Greg: Well, it all has to with the drugs again. I'm not sure if you were aware, but the Mushroom Kigndom has a huge drug problem. I'm not saying the Koopas were without fault, what with the evilness and all, but they gave me a drug free home. We weren't trying to destroy the Mushroom Kingdom, we were trying to save it from it's downward spiral into drugs and substance abuse.

Stu: Hey, Greg. Got any money? I just need a bit for my uncle Jack. He's deathly ill and needs lots of booze.

Pete: *chomp*

Andrew: Well, that's about all the time we have tonight. I would like to thank all my guests this evening. Stu, who is now choking Greg for what it appears to be change for his own substance abuse.

Pete: *chomp*

Stu: What the hell you chomping at, sucka? There's nothing there!


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