| Okay,
I know the site was supposed to go up on the 15th of February
but that didn't happen. It seems that my internet connection
was cut off on the 14th right after I uploaded the
pseudo splash/temporary page. No joke. I uploaded the shit
and was disconnected not even a minute afterwards. The reason
my internet was disconnected is a long and painful story.
I wasn't paying for it. It's pretty easy to understand how
I got away with not paying for internet for as long as I did
with this simple equation:
Good
ol'Dad works at an ISP = Free Internet for me!
You
see? It even ryhmes. The only problem is that the above equation
is no longer true. My dad's company sold the ISP to
some big mega-conglomerate-super-japanese-investor-company
also know as MTS. So I get screwed over. But for now, enjoy
this article while I initiate OPERATION: GET AWESOME DSL
FOR ME NOW.
Another
pre-script (is that a word?) is that our good friend Nathan
lost his closest and dearest friend. Yes, his hard drive crashed.
That's why you haven't seen any updates on this site or his.
So, he's screwed. Haha
Again,
ANOTHER pre-script type thing (are we ever going to
get to the fucking interview?). Nathan's hard drive didn't
actually crash, it just became unplugged and by the time you
read this I'll have my internet back. In other words, OPERATION:
GET AWESOME DSL FOR ME NOW was a success. But really,
let's just get onto the interview, this is getting fucking
rediculous.
Today
we welcome a few of the lesser known characters from the smash
hit video game "Super Mario Bros." for the NES.
I'm sure that all of you know of Mario and Luigi, Princess
Toadstool and Bowser, King of the Koopa. And doing an interview
with these characters has been, well, done.
Dave:
This Nintendo gig seems to be going good for you.
Mario:
Yeah, you know nothing's better than my millions of dollars!
Except the sex! Wowzah!
Everyone
knows by now that Mario is the only plumber that has sex on
a regular basis. And from the sounds of it, really good
sex.
So
this is why I wanted to interview some of the lesser known
characters from this classic game (also because Mario wouldn't
return my calls, but that's another story). My frist guest
tonight first appeared in World 4-1 where he was thrown out
of a cloud by a mysterious turtle named Lakitu. Everyone,
give a warm welcome to Stu Spiny!
Stu:
Hey, everyone. Hey Andrew.
Andrew:
Hello Stu, great to have you here tonight. So let's get right
down to business. You, along with many other of your kind,
were hurled at least.. it's got to be around a hundred feet...
Stu:
Yeah, it was something like that...
Andrew:
...towards the rock hard ground. Didn't that hurt?
Stu:
Well, I'll tell ya, it was pretty rough. That damn bastard,
Mario, or his brother would come maybe, twice, three times
a week. Jabberin' some non-sense about Princess Toadstool
being kidnapped and Bowser being behind it.
Andrew:
You mean they came back more than once?
Stu:
Oh yeah. The first time it was legit. He had to go save the
princess and all that. Of course, we, being aligned with evil,
had to put an end to his efforts. After we eventually failed
we thought that would be the end of it. But no, he kept coming
back. Still jabbering about the princess and something about
kicking my ass. We had to put him out of his misery, it was
the only humane thing to do.
Andrew:
You said you failed. I'm guessing that Bowser wasn't to happy
about that.
Stu:
Hell no! He was downright pissed! But what could he do? He
was shit out of luck.
Andrew:
So, why did you join Bowser and his minions in the first place?
You knew them to be evil, didn't you?
Stu:
Yeah, I knew they were evil. But I needed the money to support
a friend who goes by the name of Jack Daniels. And when you're
broke, any pay is good pay. Hell, we weren't even making
minimum wage.
Andrew:
Do we have a clip with you in action?
Stu:
Yeah, I think this is it here. It's me falling, and then hitting
the ground. Watch for the perfect landing.
Andrew:
Excellent. Let's bring out the second guest.
This
guy has a taste for Mario flesh! His specialty is chomping.
Please give a warm welcome for the part fish, part plant,
Pirana Plant Pete from world 1-2!!
Andrew:
Welcome here!
Pete:
... *chomp!*
Andrew:
Umm, yes. So how'd you get sunlight in that dark dungeon anyways?
Pete:
... *chomp!* *chomp!*
Andrew:
... ... ... ... Well, okay. Do we have a clip?
Andrew:
Well, that's exciting. How 'bout the next and final guest
of the evening?
Right
on the front lines, this guy knows what it's like with nothing
standing between him and certain death! He survived (somehow)
and now he's here to share his story. Please welcome the Little
Goomba from World 1-1, Greg!
Greg:
Hello.
Andrew:
Hey, Greg. So tell me a little about yourself.
Greg:
Well, as you've already said, I was on the front lines. Not
much standing between me and the all mighty Mario Brothers.
Infact, even before they got to me, some SM Brother supporters
made an air drop. And in the container? One of the magic mushrooms.
Now, I'm not going to say much about their shroom addiction,
but I will say this; when one of them ate a magic mushroom,
they grew damn near twice the size! Those were truely magic
mushrooms. And then...
Pete:
*chomp*
Greg:
... and then he would without fail, jump on me noggin. I don't
remember much after that. I seem to recall the number 100
for some reason, but it's all really a blur.
Andrew:
So why did you betray the Mushroom Kingdom?
Greg:
Well, it all has to with the drugs again. I'm not sure if
you were aware, but the Mushroom Kigndom has a huge drug problem.
I'm not saying the Koopas were without fault, what with the
evilness and all, but they gave me a drug free home. We weren't
trying to destroy the Mushroom Kingdom, we were trying to
save it from it's downward spiral into drugs and substance
abuse.
Stu:
Hey, Greg. Got any money? I just need a bit for my uncle Jack.
He's deathly ill and needs lots of booze.
Pete:
*chomp*
Andrew:
Well, that's about all the time we have tonight. I would like
to thank all my guests this evening. Stu, who is now choking
Greg for what it appears to be change for his own substance
abuse.
Pete:
*chomp*
Stu:
What the hell you chomping at, sucka? There's nothing there! |
