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An Episode Synopsis!

by Andrew - May 23, 2002

Before we get to Dinobots and all those wacky Transformers, I just want to say that I went to see Attack of the Clones last Sunday. Here's some helpful tips if you have not seen this film and are planning to go:

Buy your tickets ahead of time, that's just common sense.

If you have other things to do before the movie starts, go do them well in advance. Like, a couple of days so you'll at least get a semi-descent seat. We, on the other hand, bought our tickets for the 7:00 showing at 5:30. Then we drove across the city, picked up some clothes (long story), dropped off clothes, and then went to McDonalds to meet up with the other people in our party. It was 6:30 by the time we got to McDonalds and we were supposedly going to eat there. And we did. At 6:45 we realized that we were pretty screwed so we busted out of McDonalds, got in the car, drove the block to the theater, parked and ran another block from the car to our excruciatingly close-to-the-screen seats, cutting through lines and trampling over babies. I mean, it's Star Wars.

Running is not a good idea.

Imagine being punched in the gut several times by several guys who know how to punch guts really well. Say, Muhammad Ali, or, someone else. That's how I felt. The lesson of this story is "Never run to Episode II with a gut full of McDonalds 'food'" and "Arrive at the theater with more than 15 minutes to spare if you like your neck" and I personally like mine. Those lightsabers were as thick as my head. Now onto "Desertion of the Dinobots"!

They may have been the clumsiest, most dimwitted Transformers ever. They were to the Autobots as Steve Urkel is to Carl Winslow. But hey, they were the loveable, huggable Dinobots.

Desertion of the Dinobots Part 1 opens up with Autobots having, what looks like to me, a nice day out in the park. Birds are chirping, the sky is clear, and most importantly, there's not a Decepticon in sight. Or is there? There sure as hell is! Infact there's a whole plot to ruin the Autobots' fun. And who is behind this ingenious scheme? Well, Megatron of course. Who'd you think I was going to say? Winston Churchill?

Really, the first few minutes have nothing to do with the rest of the episode. Megatron tries to destroy some plans while Starscream has epileptic seizures. The Autobots, save for Bumblebee (who is at the fair having the time of his life riding rides with Carly and Spike for some reason), kick Megatron's ass once more. It's really quite trivial. So let's skip all that. All you need to know is that an airport was pretty much demolished because of this silly war. Can't we all just get along?

As the Autobots try to rebuild the airport, everything goes wrong. Grapple, proud of his lifting-things-and-putting-them-on-other-things skills drops a freakin' slab of concrete and destroys a newly rebuilt building. So what? It only took the Autobots a couple of seconds to rebuild that building anyways. Well, you see, putting things on other things is what Grapple does, it's what he was made to do. Imagine his position. He's trying to reconstruct an airport, a menial and simplistic task for a architectural mastermind like himself. He's putting a roof on a miscellaneous rectangular building, something that he probably would never do back on Cybertron, but on Earth, because of the limited resources, he'll gladly do it just to get out of the fucking house. And then he fails. He can't even preform this simple task. He must have been wrought with anger and frustration, shattered and torn.

But then the rest of the Transformers start screwing up too. So apparently it's not entirely Grapple's fault. Rumble starts to attack Megatron, Decepticons fall from the sky and Soundwave ejects Ravage for no good reason.

Megatron: Soundwave! What the crap are you doing?
Soundwave: Uhmm... Ejecting Ravage, apparently.
Megatron: What the crap for?
Soundwave: Uhmm... I have no idea.
Megatron: Well, either you stop talking in that gay voice and keep Ravage under control or I'll... do something really, really bad. Because that's what I do. Bad things. Because I'm the bad guy of this freakin' show. Bad...

As it turns out, every Transformer needs an element called Cybertonium to transform, control themselves, and basically live. And after being exposed to Earth's atmosphere for so long, their Cybertonium has depleted and they are in great need for more. The problem is that Cybertonium is pretty hard to come by on Earth. Infact the only place in the galaxy that has any is, yes that's right, Cybertron. Personally, if I needed Cybertonium to live, I'd make sure to know about it before I really needed it. Maybe write it down on a notepad or something. But the Autobots seem to have little to no knowledge of this life giving element.

The Decepticons have no worries, all they have to do is take a short trip back to Cybertron over their nifty space bridge. The Autobots realize this and get all gung-ho about hijacking the Decepticons shipment of Cybertonium but by this time, they can't even move. Are the Autobots screwed? Will they ever be able to move again? Of course. But how?

Carly decides to be useful and suggests that since the Dinobots were built on Earth they don't need Cybertonium and that they would still be working at full capacity. However, the Dinobots took off earlier in the episode. In a fit of anger, Grimlock decides, like he always does, that he doesn't want to work for Prime and the Autobots anymore, and the rest of the Dinobots follow his lead. Only this time Wheeljack isn't there to convince them with, "Yes you do want to work for the Autobots." and they manage to escape. In my opinion, I think the Dinobots are just angry because they're locked up in a closet 95% of the time. I know I would be.

After a long and arduous 5 second search, the Dinobots are tracked down and convinced that it would probably be a good idea if they stole some of that sweet, sweet Cybertonium from the Decepticons. But instead of actually stealing the Cybertonium they find themselves entering the space bridge and ending up back on Cybertron. My oh my. What a mess the Autobots are in now. Spike and Carly follow them to Cybertron but not before a stop back at Autobot HQ where Sparkplug gives Spike a 'thumb-communicator' so they can keep in touch for a low low rate of 5 cents a minute while Spike is on Cybertron.

As Spike and Carly arrive on Cybertron Shockwave is there to greet them with a blaster to the face! And since this is a two-parter, that's the cliff hanger. Did they die? Continue on to part 2 to find out!

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