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This many movies this bad can't be keeping me sane.

by Andrew - July 16, 2002

I remember a time when this site was full of wonder and enchantment. It had class, prestige, and whole lot less CMF reviews! I can't explain why we're doing so many reviews of our 90 minutes a week we spend watching horrid movies. Maybe it's because we have a lack of anything else to write about, or better yet, we're making up for all those times we didn't write any reviews. But it's probably all because they're actually pretty easy and fun to write. So let's get down to it shall we?

Last Friday Nathan and I rented "The Gate" starring some kids nobody has ever heard of. Well, actually that's not true. Stephen Dorff, who played Deacon Frost in Blade, plays Glen, a 13 year old. But I never saw Blade, so he's still unknown to me. Glen has a friend by the name of Terry (Louis Tripp). Now Terry is an odd one. Let's talk about Terry for a bit.

The first picture is face Terry makes after being kicked in the groin. At least that's what it should be. But the point I want to make is that no kid, I don't care where they're from, that looks like a 12 year old Bill Gates dresses up in a studded leather jacket and listens to heavy metal music. I'm very afraid of Terry. He seems like the kind of guy who, while everyone else is enjoying their Sunday afternoon, likes to shoot people for sport. I'm not into that. That's not cool Terry, not cool.

Glen's older sister, Al, and the family dog fill out the remaining main characters. The dog plays an important role in that it is he that is the sacrifice to actually open the gate to hell. The story goes like this; while sleeping over at Glens house, Terry wakes up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. As he's returning to bed he sees a mysterious angelic woman enticing him. He goes down the stairs and starts dancing with her. Turns out that the woman was the dog that, probably due to the humiliation of dancing with someone like Terry, up and dies! Told you that boy aint right!

Glen and Terry decide that it's probably not a good idea to have a gate to hell in the backyard, so what do they do? Why, they just cover it up with a couple of boards. I would have thought that evil incarnate wouldn't be thwarted by a few boards placed on top of a hole but I could be wrong. Unfortunately, I wasn't wrong and bad things from hell start entering our world, and this is another thing I'm strongly opposed to.

As awful as this movie was, I have to say that the little demon guys were animated quite good for an 80's horror flick. That being said, one of them takes a bite out of Terry's leg. Now, that's something I'm not opposed to. Nobody really likes Terry, and I think he knows it. He's trying to be rebellious and rock out really hard so that maybe, just maybe, he can be accepted into normal awesome society.

But he obviously failed.

After the initial demon attack, Glen and Al's parents come home and what is the first thing Glen does when he sees Dad? Why, he smashes his face in! Of course, these were the demon possesed versions of Mom and Dad, but I'm not totally convinced that Glen knew that.

And now it's time for...


By now, pretty much everyone has bit the dust and the only person left is Glen. He's our last chance, our only hope, and I'm betting on evil for a couple of reasons. Evil has got to be at least 50 ft. tall, it's evil, and it's from hell. Glen is about 5 feet tall, not as powerful, and from what appears to be California. Plus he looks like a guy that I know, you know who you are.

Dammit! Who knew that the kid had a rocket that he used as an RPG? Well, I did since I've seen the movie. So I guess that makes me the idiot for betting on evil. But on the plus side, Glen gets blown out of the house and I bet that didn't feel too good.

Evil had it coming I suppose. But really, Did they have to bring Terry back from the living undead? I mean, he's just gonna end up shooting everyone in a couple of years anyways.

The Good Stuff: The animated deamons were done well.

The Bad Stuff: Terry, Terry, Terry

Final Word: The Gate wasn't all that great. I mean, the only reason we had a blast with it is because Mike K. was over, and he ups the homosexual joke quotient ten fold.

AIM: Terrahawk X
E-Mail: andrew@ninjacultr.com

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