To quote SerialC00L: "Where's the nudity?!"

by Nathan - January 13, 2004

Well, this is it. I'm finally going to make the millions of dollars I so crave. The method is simple - I will file a lawsuit against Spelling/Goldberg Productions for false advertising. The falsifier? None other than the movie I just watched: Satan's School for Girls. I'm willing to bet that when you saw the title, you came to the same conclusions that I did, before I started:

(Horror Movie) + ("Satan" in title) + ("Girls" in title) = Lots of pointless nudity and people dying gory deaths!

Sadly, as I would discover during the approximately seventy-five minutes of unadulterated bad that I observed, not only did everyone remain clothed, I didn't get to see any faces get torn off or anything. Rarr! (that's the angry noise I make when I'm writing)

The plot can be summed up in exactly the amount of words I'm about to use to sum it up. Some girl's sister dies of suicide, so the Girl enrolls at the school that her sister was attending in order to sneak around and get some answers as to why she might have killed herself. While there, more people kill themselves, and some people aren't what they seem. Then it turns out that the deaths aren't suicide. Then the Devil shows up, and just when you think an orgy is going to break out, the school burns down, but does that bother Satan? Nope! He gets away, that sneaky guy. The end.

Having firmly established the plot of the movie, let's take a look at some of the individual elements that may have contributed to the fact that I didn't like it.

This guy wasn't in the rest of it.

Right in the beginning, when the Sister is running away before she dies, she stops at a gas station and then runs off when this dude approaches her. I sort of thought he would be some sort of hench-guy to whatever sinister forces are at work, and though I suppose there's nothing in the movie that really rules that out, there isn't anything that confirms it either - because we never see him again. Ever. The last thing you see him do is pick a cigarette up from the ground.

Why was he in this movie? Was there perhaps a lengthy section of the movie devoted to his story, which was probably far better than the rest, and involved cyborgs, and the true meaning of friendship, and a killer squid on a collision course with earth? Probably, though I'm sure it was cut for time, and lost forever. You would think, since I watched this on a DVD, that it would be in some sort of 'deleted scenes' section of the disc. But when a DVD case advertises "Feature Programs" as a special feature, you probably don't have a lot else to look forward to.

For that matter, this guy didn't figure in anywhere either.

Have you ever seen that episode of South Park where they go to Aspen, and later in the episode there's that creepy old man that tells them all about fantastically clichéd history of the area? This guy was probably meant to serve the same purpose. I mean! Look at him! He's got "eerie exposition" written all over him, and yet his only parts in the movie are to a.)give a key to the Sister and b.)hang out with the cops after she dies. I can easily see that his underused talent is just another stake in the heart of this film.

"No, Lieutenant - your men are already dead."

This actually has nothing to do with why this movie sucks. It just made me think of The Matrix.

Even though there are hot girls everywhere, there's two future members of Charlies' Angels, and mass amounts of alcohol are imbibed,

this scene is seriously the sexiest it ever gets.

And this is right at the end of the friggin' movie. Try to understand how much that adds to the suck-factor. Most movies can just disguise the fact that they are awful by showing either carnage or skin, and this one had neither.

I actually managed to keep my hopes up for about three-quarters of the movie until Matt came upstairs and dashed them all by revealing the killer truth: "This is a made-for-TV movie, you know." That explained so much, especially the odd fade-to-black bits at key points in the film, which felt suspiciously like they were designed for commercial breaks.

The final nail in the coffin.

Just what the crap is that girl in white supposed to be wearing? Is that some kind of weird dress, or a tablecloth? And why is she not looking thoughtful like the rest of her classmates, and smiling at the professor's package instead? More than likely another exciting/erotic subplot that was excised for time and content.

In conclusion, I suppose that there is a lesson to be learned from this. Is it "Don't judge a horror movie by its title?" Hardly. It's more along the lines of "Dammit, that old man and that bum should have had their own spinoff series. Where one of them is a hard-boiled retired detective, and the other is a bum, and they solve mysteries and every episode get one step closer to reuniting the detective with his estranged daughter. And also the bum is a little crazy, but he has these 'visions' that help them solve the mysteries. Also he knows kung-fu."



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