2003 REVIEWED! almost. Actually I just wanted to say that.

by Andrew - January 9, 2004

Hello and welcome to this year's prestigious gala hosted by Pop Rocks and Coke. This is the second time my buddy Mike has done this sort of international awards show, and yes we missed it last year. Let the blame fall to Nathan because he's currently pre-occupied with parking Smokey's car and subsequently can't pound the shit out of me. Let's also say that it's because Nathan forgot to write it, even though that's a blatant lie. Though fear not! We currently have plans to finish the 2002 article sometime in July 2006. Look for it!

As always, we're not here to talk about the future, we're here to talk about the past. So let's put on our Sunday best (read: new layout, oooh) and take a look back, all the way back to the year 2003! Now in award show format!

We have categories, and each category has a winner. I was gonna have nominees, but then I found out that I couldn't come up with two for any given section. The award? Why that's the Golden Matrix of Leadership (pictured above; Ultra Magnus not included). As you may remember, Prime had the Matrix of Leadership in his chest and, when near death, gave it to Ultra Magnus, who in turn gave it to Hot Rod to become the new leader of the Autobots for most of Season 3. To get your hands on the Matrix of Leadership you'd usually have to rescue small children from burning loins or something of equal heroism. Being a robot with a big, gaping hole in your chest is definitely required as well. However, here at NinjaCulture we're just giving them away, what you do with them is your bidness. Theoretically, all you would have to do to get one is do something kick-ass or stupid in 2003, though you may need a time traveling Delorean to accomplish that now.

Entertainment - Movies
I know that a lot of people would find the movies of 2003 to be blah, or maybe I'm just making that up. In any case, the fact remains that we had some hits, some misses, and some that just made you go WTF????LOL!@~!

So what was the best reason to spend ten bucks?

This was a huge toss-up between Kill Bill - Volume 1 and Pirates of the Caribbean. Both were excellent films to say the least. The pirate movie was a long forgotten genre. The last pirate movie I saw had been The Goonies, and those pirates were long past their expiry date. Here is a picture of Johnny Depp as a pirate.

Kill Bill was nothing like I'd ever seen. Well, okay, you could still tell it was a Tarantino flick, but other than that nothing about it seemed familiar. I'm usually the first to run away from the new and strange, but this kicked ass because it paid so much homage to classic kung-fu flicks that I've come to know and love. I was smiling through the whole movie, save for the first gunshot. I don't think a white man has ever jumped as high as I did then.

So which one won the first ever Gold plated Matrix of Leadership?

I'm gonna have to go with Kill Bill - Volume One. Quoting an old Klingon Proverb is just a classy way of starting off a film. Well, maybe classy was the wrong word there, unless you're wearing plastic pointy ears and a blue jumpsuit.

Alright, we've covered good movies, now onto bad ones. The ones that got you so angry you stole a few theater seats just to get your money's worth. You rebel you.

The worst reason to spend ten bucks award goes to:

It's the old vampire falls for werewolf story that seemed about four hours too long. Looking at the imdb I can see that it was, in fact, only two hours long. Strange. I saw this at the local theater, and let me tell you, my local theater is like your cheap theater except they charge full price. Seeing this is a shitty theater didn't help the fact that I disliked it fully. Not even making fun of the two goths at that were there was enough to lift my spirits.

TV Commentary
I've said this before, TV this year sucked. Maybe I haven't said it on the site, but if you've been around me you'd hear my opinions on the subject. TV got bad, and it's not getting any better. Upon further research, my team of inhuman moon scientists has discovered that there is a 98.7 percent chance that the reason TV sucks is due to the death of the catch-phrase. People don't want to see something new each time they turn on the TV, they want to know what's going to happen, and more importantly, when to laugh. You knew it was okay to laugh when Urkel (pictured below) fell down and said, "I've fallen and I can't get up". People, it seems, aren't comfortable doing anything alone. This explains the the laugh track.

Entertainment - Television
The reason your goldfish died award:

The entire 2003 TV lineup. Everything. Also, you fed it batteries.

While this may seem a bit harsh, 2003 wasn't a good year. The new Turtles show is alright, but that new Spiderman show is terrible. Newcomer Jimmy Kimmel is surprisingly good, while Mike Bullard still remains unkilled. Everything seems cancels everything else out and it's almost like my best friend never really existed.

I googled for television. I got a picture of this guy. I don't think Google has a clue what television is.

Reality shows were still going strong. This was a real surprise for me. Seriously, I thought they'd long go the way of 80s pop sensation Tiffany by now. Wait, she did that thing for Playboy. Can you really see reality shows going that way? I know I can, with sexy results.

The only thing TV had going for it this year was Clone High and even that was marred by the decision to not do a second season. I just want to say Mr. Butlertron 4 Life, even when I don't know what that means. I think I'm just trying to "thug up" for the next award.

Entertainment - Music
Best Rapper to be named for a monetary unit:
Now, everyone, say it with me. 50 cent.


50 cent is the biggest thing since the quarter and even nine bullets couldn't take him down. If his one year adventure through the superstar machine has taught me anything, it's that no matter how many times you've been shot you can still sing birthday songs, gangsta style.

Favorite Pop Star turned bat-shit insane award:
Michael Jackson

Goodness. What would we do without the king of pop? Over the past year he's dangled babies out of hotel room windows and allegedly gotten in and out of more little boys pants than, well, there's just no right way to end this sentence. So why is he getting a Golden Matrix of Leadership? It all has to do with people's rekindled interest with all the crazy shit he's done in previous years. Thanks to his antics in 2003, people are actually interested in the Moonwalker arcade game and the Free Willy Soundtrack besides me, and that gives me a creppy warm a fuzzy feeling inside.

Best new Californian band that doesn't sound like Blink-182 award:

Although their debut album, "What it is to Burn", came out in 2002, I only picked it up in 2003, and by my logic, that qualifies them for a 2003 Gold Plated Matrix of Leadership, or maybe I just wanted to give them a shitty web-award. However, these guys are good, and good in a way that I can't successfully write about them. It's hard to write about music, and it's even harder to write about good music. All I'm going to say is that you should give them a listen even if you're not into screaming-yet-melodic-kinda-hardcore-punk (I obviously have no idea what genre to put them in, and I hate the word "Screamo"). I wasn't really a fan either until I gave 'em a try.

Honorable Gaming Mention

I had been reading a lot about this game before it dropped in stores. And since hype usually works on me more than anyone, I bought this game as soon as it hit the shelves. I had played the first one for the Dreamcast and to my surprise didn't suck at it much. You see, I'm terrible at fighting games, just bad. But for some reason I picked up the controller and started pulling off all sorts of insane shit. Each version of the game for the 3 big systems comes with their own special character. The 'Cube got Link, which is just too cool. So, for being just a fun game that rarely ends up with me throwing my Wavebird across the room, it gets an honorable mention. Plus, their boobs jiggle.

Entertainment - Video Games
The best way to spend your sad, lonely Friday nights:
No, it's not by listening to Dashboard Confessional, weeping softly into a pillow; it's by playing Call of Duty (PC).

This game rocks pretty hard, and that's coming from a guy who now absolutely hates all these World War II shooters that have come out in the past few years. Every other first person shooter is set in between 1939 and 1945, usually in Europe. I don't think video games can be too real and fun at the same time. Call of Duty balanced the fun with the real almost perfectly.

Although it's short, the variety in the missions and tasks will keep you compelled through the entire game. You'll never forget the looks on the faces of your comrades as you land at Stalingrad. It's really that engaging. Remember when they predicted that in the future video games would be more like an interactive movie than pong, and we'd all zoom along on our rad hoverboards? Alls I want to know is where my muthafuckin' hoverboard is at?

The best way to spend your sad, lonely Friday nights with your sad, lonely friends:
Mario Kart: Double Dash!! (Gamecube)

When I bought this game I didn't really know what to expect. Almost every review of the game was outstanding, but Nintendo had changed a lot since the Super and 64 days. Two people on a cart? Are they crazy!? Yes, and it paid off. This game is almost perfect save for a few qualms about the network play, but even that's almost as fun as sex. And unlike sex, you can actually win. Let's just put it this way, Heaven is Mario Kart: Double Dash!! and Mario Kart: Double Dash!! is Heaven. Let he who is without sin cast the first shell.

The next company most likely to bury their product in New Mexico award:
Well, this award obviously goes to Nokia for their N-Gage mess.

After a short time of its release people were selling them for a penny, or less. That's when you know shit's in trouble. Nokia, though, is still plugging onward and doesn't seem like they want to give up. Nokia, I'm talking to you now, follow Atari's lead and bury your crap in the desert and pretend nothing happened. All three of us will be happier for it; you, me and the mutant N-Gage itself. It doesn't want to live.

And so another year is laid to rest. You may have noticed that we only covered entertainment in the awards, and that's because that's all we paid any sort of attention to. I was going to give SARS an award for Best New Disease on the Block, but I think it got enough publicity already. Feel free to browse the other sites' awards. I'm gonna link that again in a huge font a line or two down from here just incase you had trouble with that first one.



AIM: Terrahawk X

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