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A tale of lies, deceit, and Ninja Turtles are in there somewhere

by Andrew - May 14, 2002

Life was good from the age of 0 to right around the age of 6. Then I got a Nintendo and started what would be the downfall of my life, and the lives of the people around me.

It all started at one of my friends birthday parties. I can't remember which friend it was because I was completely engulfed in this new form of entertainment, rumored about around the merry-go-round and monkey-bars for weeks, even months before hand. It was some kind of game where there were no pieces but instead there was a remote control type device that you would use to control what was happening on your television. It blew my mind. "I must have it", I said and promptly went running to my mom. She endured days of "Can I have a Nintendo?" and.. well.. she didn't crack, exactly. She just made my grandpa buy me a Nintendo, and to be fair, he bought my cousin one too. Just like that. Spoiled? Maybe. Nintendo freak? Definitely.

So my dad set it all up and I began playing. Little did I know that this so called entertainment system would become the bane of my existence. I started playing Super Mario Bros. It was good and all, I played it for hours on end, and it was a game that I could beat. After awhile I got the game down pat and I wanted something new, something the Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt cart couldn't offer me. I wanted a new challenge.

I went to my grandpa this time, cutting out the middle man as it were, and forced him, with a string of tears (I mean, it's the best tool a kid's got when he/she wants something), to buy me a new game. Unfortunately I was a stupid kid, and I got him to buy me the Knight Rider cart.

While the show kicked innumerable amounts of ass, the game did not. In three easy to understand words; It's damn hard. But being a stupid kid I just thought I was no good at the game. I assumed that I was subnormal and just plain retarded because I couldn't beat the hardest game ever created. Well, it would have been the hardest game ever created if Sonic the Hedgehog 2 for the Game Gear hadn't come out.

My main problem with this game is that I can beat the first two levels just fine, but when it comes to getting past the first boss stage... well... let's just say it's smart to bet on Robotnik at that point. I know I would. You can't imagine the torment a child goes through after getting a new game and then finding out he's no good at it. I tried for days, weeks and even months to beat the cursed third level, but it was not to be.

Yeah, I've heard of these 'people' that have 'beaten' the 'third' level. I've even talked to a few of them. But they've all got one thing in common, they're all robots. And not super intelligent robots either. So I must be really subnormal. It also turns out that these robots were good at every single other game that I sucked hard at. NES, SNES, Game Gear, Genesis, every damn system they kicked my ass.

So, I went through my elementary school years thinking that I was inferior at pretty much everything all because of games that were impossible to beat. The game developers of the mid eighties were spawns of Satan and it turns out that every kid in the world knew that except me. Was I that clued out? Was I not getting the 'in' information? Well, it was the first grade, and there were the kids that played video games and watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles after school, and then there were the kids that ate glue, dirt and anything else they could get their hands on. I didn't like the taste of dirt very much and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were much cooler than glue, so I was in the first social class. But how I didn't know about the game developers thing is a mystery. Maybe nobody told me, or they were all playing a mean trick on me. I'll probably never be quite sure.

The main fact is that Nintendo was the catalyst for my own downfall into depression and drug abuse at the age of six. So rise up and kill Nintendo! Do not buy Nintendo products! And most importantly, send all your Nintendo carts to me, since you wont be using them after you set your NES ablaze.*

*paid for by supporters of "the Playstation for World Emperor" fund.

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E-Mail: andrew@ninjacultr.com

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