| Life
was good from the age of 0 to right around the age of 6. Then
I got a Nintendo and started what would be the downfall of
my life, and the lives of the people around me.
It
all started at one of my friends birthday parties. I can't
remember which friend it was because I was completely engulfed
in this new form of entertainment, rumored about around the
merry-go-round and monkey-bars for weeks, even months before
hand. It was some kind of game where there were no pieces
but instead there was a remote control type device that you
would use to control what was happening on your television.
It blew my mind. "I must have it", I said and promptly
went running to my mom. She endured days of "Can I have
a Nintendo?" and.. well.. she didn't crack, exactly.
She just made my grandpa buy me a Nintendo, and to be fair,
he bought my cousin one too. Just like that. Spoiled? Maybe.
Nintendo freak? Definitely.
So
my dad set it all up and I began playing. Little did I know
that this so called entertainment system would become the
bane of my existence. I started playing Super Mario Bros.
It was good and all, I played it for hours on end, and it
was a game that I could beat. After awhile I got the game
down pat and I wanted something new, something the Super Mario
Bros./Duck Hunt cart couldn't offer me. I wanted a new challenge.
I
went to my grandpa this time, cutting out the middle man as
it were, and forced him, with a string of tears (I mean, it's
the best tool a kid's got when he/she wants something), to
buy me a new game. Unfortunately I was a stupid kid, and I
got him to buy me the Knight Rider cart.
While
the show kicked innumerable amounts of ass, the game did not.
In three easy to understand words; It's damn hard. But being
a stupid kid I just thought I was no good at the game. I assumed
that I was subnormal and just plain retarded because I couldn't
beat the hardest game ever created. Well, it would have been
the hardest game ever created if Sonic the Hedgehog 2 for
the Game Gear hadn't come out.
My
main problem with this game is that I can beat the first two
levels just fine, but when it comes to getting past the first
boss stage... well... let's just say it's smart to bet on
Robotnik at that point. I know I would. You can't imagine
the torment a child goes through after getting a new game
and then finding out he's no good at it. I tried for days,
weeks and even months to beat the cursed third level, but
it was not to be.
Yeah,
I've heard of these 'people' that have 'beaten' the 'third'
level. I've even talked to a few of them. But they've all
got one thing in common, they're all robots. And not super
intelligent robots either. So I must be really subnormal.
It also turns out that these robots were good at every single
other game that I sucked hard at. NES, SNES, Game Gear, Genesis,
every damn system they kicked my ass.
So,
I went through my elementary school years thinking that I
was inferior at pretty much everything all because of games
that were impossible to beat. The game developers of the mid
eighties were spawns of Satan and it turns out that every
kid in the world knew that except me. Was I that clued out?
Was I not getting the 'in' information? Well, it was the first
grade, and there were the kids that played video games and
watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles after school, and then
there were the kids that ate glue, dirt and anything else
they could get their hands on. I didn't like the taste of
dirt very much and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were much
cooler than glue, so I was in the first social class. But
how I didn't know about the game developers thing is a mystery.
Maybe nobody told me, or they were all playing a mean trick
on me. I'll probably never be quite sure.
The
main fact is that Nintendo was the catalyst for my own downfall
into depression and drug abuse at the age of six. So rise
up and kill Nintendo! Do not buy Nintendo products! And most
importantly, send all your Nintendo carts to me, since you
wont be using them after you set your NES ablaze.*
*paid
for by supporters of "the Playstation for World Emperor"
fund. |
