| Last
time we spoke I was very frightened as a melty creature had
added me to her MSN. Now in the time since then I've done
a lot of reflective thinking and came to the conclusion that
yes, I need to update. Now, to not sound too much like TMF
here, I won't prattle on and on about updates. Not that I'm
"dissing" the fools that are marked. They're just
the only people that can constantly speak of update happenings
and do it well. I could never compare in the slightest.
Now,
you may all be wondering what could X-E Matt possibly
be wrong about? And if you're not blind or retarded or
a combination of the two, you've probably looked at the little
picture that always accompanies the title and said
to yourself, "Hey, I bet Andrew thinks that Matt's wrong
about Clamato!".
And
you'd be right.
Sometime
ago, when X-E
was more of a place to find great articles rather than Nike
ads, Matt wrote a quickie
on a cocktail drink of legends, Clamato. His
rantings were about how awful of a drink this actually was,
and that if you were to drink it, you'd die! I, on
the other hand, am convinced of the opposite persuasion. Clamato
is good like good.
Before
I go further with this I'm going to have to point out that
the packaging for the Clamato I grew up with is slightly different
than the stuff that Matt had. Infact, it might not even be
the same product. Although it probably is since Matt does
claim that it was produced by Mott's, as is my version. Although,
Matt's Clam/Tomato based beverage looks to be about 10 years
older than mine, and mine has got to be goddamn near 10 years
old (a blatent lie). But it's all probably due to my Canadianess.
For
extra fun I've gotten the party size container but to my shock
and dissappointment, tiny party elves did not jump
out of the container when opened. If you're going to label
something with the word "party", please have something
jump out and start one. Hell, I'd be happy even if you stuck
one of those fake snakes in there. Sure, those things always
have required me to carry an extra pair of pants wherever
I go for the last 7 years for reasons that involve excretion.
As hilarious as they are, they can just come out of anywhere!
It
should also be noted that Mott's forgot to put the 'c' in
"pack". Now, I don't know if they're trying to be
hip and/or cool, but they're really just coming off as retarded.
So
I've decided to go down, point by point, and reveal that X-E
Matt is a horrible, horrible liar. Who knows what other falsities
he has proclaimed to the great masses over the years? Lots
probably.
Matt
claims that Clamato is carbonated.
FACT: Clamato is not carbonated, it just
wishes it was.
Matt
claims that he had 24 hours to live after tasting the Clamato.
FACT: Matt did die 24 hours later, but not
from Clamato. Apparently he was struck on the head by a falling
pop-up ad. Furthermore, Matt was replaced by a retro pop-culture
writing electric computation machine.
Matt
claims he enjoys drinking V8.
FACT: V8 is the sworn enemy of Clamato. Mott's
and Campbell's are secretly developing thermonuclear cocktail
drinks in underground laboratories, each trying to fill the
"Cocktail Gap" which doesn't really exist and nobody
cares about. Although I can't really say that Matt doesn't
enjoy the V8 from time to time.
Matt
claims Clamato contains clam extract.
FACT: Clamato contains clam extract.
Matt
claims Clamato caused the extinction of the dinosaurs
FACT: Clamato did cause the extinction of
the Dinosaurs but only because it wasn't designed for them
to ingest. Dinosaurs! They'll drink anything! hu-yuck!
But
is it really any good? Aren't clams deadly, wild creautes?
Can a human being actually drink the stuff and not die? To
answer all of the above, but of course! You've just gotta
know when to drink it.
First
of all, don't drink it with a meal but rather have a small
glass just before your meal. I'm sure you'll find
that it makes a delightful appetizer.
That's
about it.
Now,
I know that most of you are turned off about drinking clam
let alone clam extract. Extracted from what
exactly? But I really don't see why people have this natural
tendancy to cringe at the thought of clam juice. I mean, when
you're sitting down to your meat and potatoes meal, with a
tall glass of venison, what's the difference? Oh sure, some
of you out there think that you don't actually drink venison,
but have you actually had any? Didn't think so. So
who is to say that Venimato or Clamison aren't the next products
up Mott's sleeves? I'm going to have to take a guess and say
the Mott's represntatives. I mean, those are fantastically
horrible ideas.
"Zest
is the spice of life.". I don't know who said it, but
I guess since someone actually did say it, I'll have to agree.
And Clamato is zesty. I mean, zesty to the point of orgasm
and as everyone knows, selling orgasms is like printing money
and then having sex. Which is considerably better than just
printing money and not having any sex at all. So
I guess you could say that Clamato is like an orgasm in your
mouth, but I'd rather you wouldn't.
Well,
since I think I've done my part to unsuccessfully sway the
entire world view on Clamato, it's time to pack up the old
article writing machine once more and call it a day. And remember
kids, the next time a trenchcoat encrusted stranger offers
you Clamato in a dark alleyway, I say take it! |
