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Link with this!
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Captain Planet is here because I the picture of Heather is too awful. Also, he himself is retarded.

If only about one thing.

by Andrew - November 28, 2002

Last time we spoke I was very frightened as a melty creature had added me to her MSN. Now in the time since then I've done a lot of reflective thinking and came to the conclusion that yes, I need to update. Now, to not sound too much like TMF here, I won't prattle on and on about updates. Not that I'm "dissing" the fools that are marked. They're just the only people that can constantly speak of update happenings and do it well. I could never compare in the slightest.

Now, you may all be wondering what could X-E Matt possibly be wrong about? And if you're not blind or retarded or a combination of the two, you've probably looked at the little picture that always accompanies the title and said to yourself, "Hey, I bet Andrew thinks that Matt's wrong about Clamato!".

And you'd be right.

Sometime ago, when X-E was more of a place to find great articles rather than Nike ads, Matt wrote a quickie on a cocktail drink of legends, Clamato. His rantings were about how awful of a drink this actually was, and that if you were to drink it, you'd die! I, on the other hand, am convinced of the opposite persuasion. Clamato is good like good.

Before I go further with this I'm going to have to point out that the packaging for the Clamato I grew up with is slightly different than the stuff that Matt had. Infact, it might not even be the same product. Although it probably is since Matt does claim that it was produced by Mott's, as is my version. Although, Matt's Clam/Tomato based beverage looks to be about 10 years older than mine, and mine has got to be goddamn near 10 years old (a blatent lie). But it's all probably due to my Canadianess.

For extra fun I've gotten the party size container but to my shock and dissappointment, tiny party elves did not jump out of the container when opened. If you're going to label something with the word "party", please have something jump out and start one. Hell, I'd be happy even if you stuck one of those fake snakes in there. Sure, those things always have required me to carry an extra pair of pants wherever I go for the last 7 years for reasons that involve excretion. As hilarious as they are, they can just come out of anywhere!

It should also be noted that Mott's forgot to put the 'c' in "pack". Now, I don't know if they're trying to be hip and/or cool, but they're really just coming off as retarded.

So I've decided to go down, point by point, and reveal that X-E Matt is a horrible, horrible liar. Who knows what other falsities he has proclaimed to the great masses over the years? Lots probably.

Matt claims that Clamato is carbonated.
FACT: Clamato is not carbonated, it just wishes it was.

Matt claims that he had 24 hours to live after tasting the Clamato.
FACT: Matt did die 24 hours later, but not from Clamato. Apparently he was struck on the head by a falling pop-up ad. Furthermore, Matt was replaced by a retro pop-culture writing electric computation machine.

Matt claims he enjoys drinking V8.
FACT: V8 is the sworn enemy of Clamato. Mott's and Campbell's are secretly developing thermonuclear cocktail drinks in underground laboratories, each trying to fill the "Cocktail Gap" which doesn't really exist and nobody cares about. Although I can't really say that Matt doesn't enjoy the V8 from time to time.

Matt claims Clamato contains clam extract.
FACT: Clamato contains clam extract.

Matt claims Clamato caused the extinction of the dinosaurs
FACT: Clamato did cause the extinction of the Dinosaurs but only because it wasn't designed for them to ingest. Dinosaurs! They'll drink anything! hu-yuck!

But is it really any good? Aren't clams deadly, wild creautes? Can a human being actually drink the stuff and not die? To answer all of the above, but of course! You've just gotta know when to drink it.

First of all, don't drink it with a meal but rather have a small glass just before your meal. I'm sure you'll find that it makes a delightful appetizer.

That's about it.

Now, I know that most of you are turned off about drinking clam let alone clam extract. Extracted from what exactly? But I really don't see why people have this natural tendancy to cringe at the thought of clam juice. I mean, when you're sitting down to your meat and potatoes meal, with a tall glass of venison, what's the difference? Oh sure, some of you out there think that you don't actually drink venison, but have you actually had any? Didn't think so. So who is to say that Venimato or Clamison aren't the next products up Mott's sleeves? I'm going to have to take a guess and say the Mott's represntatives. I mean, those are fantastically horrible ideas.

"Zest is the spice of life.". I don't know who said it, but I guess since someone actually did say it, I'll have to agree. And Clamato is zesty. I mean, zesty to the point of orgasm and as everyone knows, selling orgasms is like printing money and then having sex. Which is considerably better than just printing money and not having any sex at all. So I guess you could say that Clamato is like an orgasm in your mouth, but I'd rather you wouldn't.

Well, since I think I've done my part to unsuccessfully sway the entire world view on Clamato, it's time to pack up the old article writing machine once more and call it a day. And remember kids, the next time a trenchcoat encrusted stranger offers you Clamato in a dark alleyway, I say take it!

AIM: Terrahawk X
E-Mail: andrew@ninjacultr.com

GunterCinimas, Gunter's Ultra Meka Site, Normal Like Us, X-Entertainment (Like you need a link)

Forums, Clamato for everyone!

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