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This is a scandal you won't want to miss.

by Nathan - December 13, 2002

As we are all painfully aware, hip-hop artist Nelly has hit the big time these days, and it's hard to turn a corner without hearing a song by the ubiquitous rapstar, or at least someone unconsciously humming one. Nelly's powerhouse superstarmachine is on a direct line to the hearts and heads of consumers everywhere. Apparently his music has had such an effect on me that I am losing my ability to form coherent sentences, as evidenced by that last one. I mean, 'powerhouse superstarmachine'? What was I thinking?

This is Nelly. Do not believe anything he says.

All confusion aside, I think I should get to the point of the article. So here we go. As I was retrofitting my website for its shiny new design the other day, my awesome website, shiny new design, go there now now now, I came across the something that made me think.

Nelly, seen above, is famous for his controversial, and yet incredibly stupid song, "Hot In Herre", intentional misspelling and all, with the signature chorus -

"It's getting hot in here.
So take off all your clothes."

Imagine then my shock as I am happily ctrl-c'ing and ctrl-v'ing my way through my archives on my nice shiny new new new website and I come across Conrad's old comic, Edward Pee-Hole v1.0. In it, the protagonist, a Mr. E. P. Hole, decides that he is too hot and that he will remove a few layers. Sound familiar?

A terrible omen of what is to come!

Ultimately, his actions are found incredibly offensive, even to the point of killing one of the other people in the room. But that's beside the point, which is that Nelly ripped off Edward Pee-Hole. Now when Conrad's in his whole "Serious Cool" rap-guy mode, he's pretty scary and intense, as you can see here-

Conrad's Alter-ego, "Simply Rules" or something

-but regular Conrad is a pretty down-to-earth, even timid guy. Seeing this travesty, I knew he wouldn't take it upon himself to stand up against Nelly for this terrible act of plagiarism. So that's why I'm taking his cause up for him. I'm here to stand up against the tyrannical power that is Nelly, and to say "hey! stop...uh...stop ripping people off! Just, y'know, quit it!"

At least, that was my stance until I did some further digging. Since that fateful evening I have made another discovery that leaves the first one in the dust. Both Nelly and Conrad are ripping off...

why, who else, but...

Playwright William Shakespeare!

Yes, the venerable playwright is in fact the provider of the source material for both of these thieves! Exerpted from an unfinished work, the original lines read as follows -

The temperature on the premises
exceeds even my tolerance!
Would that I had never donned the suit
of armor I now wear!

Ah! I now see fit
to remove it completely-

Of course, when he removes the armor, an assassin leaps into the room and slays him. He then kills the guards that come up to investigate, and finishes by killing himself, but not before rambling for half an hour about how sorry he is that he ever married the Queen.

Since everybody in the entire world has ripped off Shakespeare at some point in their lives, I imagine there are a few other people in the chain of plagiarism seen here. This is further evidenced by the fact that Conrad is illiterate and as such Shakespeare would probably make his head start on fire. However, I can only guess as to the mystery participints in our little tale of treachery. Perhaps when Conrad is on his death bed he will admit to his true inspiration for Edward Pee-Hole, and when Nelly is on his soiled death-mattress (in his death-cardboard-box) he will admit to the true inspiration for the awful, awful song he has inflicted on the world. Until then, we can only speculate...

-e-mail: monster-0@alucentral.ca

Normally I'd shamelessly plug Magic Story Time here, but I'm way above that kind of thing.

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