| Attention
members of the Rebel Alliance! If you have not read
the first part of this article, do
so now!
Yesterday
I was a mean old bastard and cut the article in two
just as Storm Troopers were rushing into Chewie's
house. You may also remember that Chewie and Han are
on their way, ran into some Imperial trouble and are
a little late.
Alright,
these Imperial dudes are basically looking for any
signs of the Rebels. This is cause for great concern
since nearly everyone in the household in a friend
of the Alliance. But you've got to remember that these
are really low end Imperials. I mean, look where they
are. They're on Kashyyyk, home of the Wookies, probably
the dullest planet in the Universe. Even Hoth was
more exciting than this place, so the Empire wouldn't
want to waste their best and brightest here, heavens
no. They'd just send some Storm Troopers (which are
always low end) and some commanders that
flunked out of Imperial Dental School, the famed IDS.
Now you can see that our heroes aren't in the least
bit of danger, and even Saundan's nearly incoherent
ramblings don't tip them off that there might be something
afoot.
Saundan
then invites one of these Imperial dudes to watch
a music video on his wacky TV. Those purple blobs
are in fact Jefferson Starship, formerly Jefferson
Airplane, formerly Jefferson Hot Air Balloon. This
goes on for a good five or six minutes. The song isn't
all that bad, actually it's pretty rockin' 70s. But
since I'm a fan of the rockin' 80s, they were a decade
too early for me.
After
the music video, the Imperials kick Saundan out tha
house and send Lumpy off to watch a cartoon. I think
we all know what's coming up.
I'm
not sure what the hell that says, but you know it's
time for an animation tour de force. While
I might be exaggerating, this was the highlight of
the special for me. No, the story isn't really any
better, and yes, you can see the ending come from
a mile away, but at least it took you away from the
dull drudgery that is the rest of the holiday special.
In
this animated short, the Han and Chewie duo are on
their way back from a secret mission to acquire the
mystical talisman that the Alliance and the Empire
are searching for. Why? That's not important. What's
important is that the Millennium Falcon is on a collision
course with the cruiser that everyone else is on.
And when I say everyone else, I mean everyone
else. Luke, R2-D2, Leia, C-3P0, and I think I even
saw Ackbar in there somewhere close to the back. Of
course, Admiral Ackbar wasn't even a character in
series at the time of this broadcast, but I like to
think that the animators were time travelers, or at
least psychic.
Oh,
did I mention the animation? This is some freaky-deaky
stuff.
HOLY
SHIT!
Look at Luke's piercing eyes and tell me that you
don't need a change of pants. Where did his pupils
go? Leia took them. She now has four and can see through
time.
Okay,
so the Millennium Falcon is coming in at high speed
and it doesn't look like it's going to slow down any
time soon. Good thing it misses the cruiser all together
and crashes into a gooey planet. Luke, C-3P0 and R2-D2
go after the Falcon and meet up with none other than
Boba Fett.
This
was the first time anyone had ever seen Boba Fett.
It's also the first time he talks, and talk he does.
He says he's not a friend of the Empire, so Luke trusts
him, but the droids aren't so accepting.
They
reach the Falcon and Chewie explains why Han is hanging
upside-down. Didn't I mention that? Han is hanging
upside-down, unconscious. And now Luke is unconscious
as well. Apparently the talisman carried some kind
of sleeping virus that only effects humans, and if
they aren't hung upside-down they'll die. Boba Fett
knows where to get the remedy for the virus and offers
to go get it. Chewie insists on going along, and after
a little protest, Fett agrees.
You
know and I know that Boba Fett is a bounty hunter
and is usually employed by the Empire, and it's no
different here. Before getting the serum, Boba Fett,
using a phone card, calls Darth Vader to tell him
that the plan is working perfectly. Too bad R2-D2
and the rest of the gang are listening in back on
the Falcon.
So,
when they're back at the Falcon, the jig is up, but
first everyone is cured. The Droids tell Han and Luke
about Boba and he flies out of the Falcon.
Good
grief. This was the best part about this special,
and I'm still finding it hard to focus my attention
on this long enough to finish a damn sentence.
In
the end there is a big explosion. I like big explosions.
When
we finally head back to Chewie's house, the Imperials
are ransacking the place, ripping apart this and that.
Lumpy starts to build his Life Day present he got
from Saundan. It's a mini-transmitter and the instructional
video that accompanies it is hosted by some sort of
malfunctioning robot.
Now,
I don't trust robots that can't transform into cars,
so this guy scared the shit out of me. But what if
I would have seen this as a child? Goodness! When
the dude breaks down, his voice winds down as if it
was recorded on vinyl and the record player was losing
power. It's not really as scary as it is annoying,
and I just wanted the sequence to be done already.
But for a kid that thinks it's the devil himself speaking
through the evil record player, it's a traumatic experience
to say the least. Fortunately in this article I don't
have to obey the laws of time and space, so we're
just gonna say that in the end Lumpy finishes building
the damn thing. I'm not gonna be the guy that describes
the whole 'how to build your own mini transmitter'
procedure. I'm nerdy, but I'm not that nerdy.
The
Imperial Troops then have to watch a special live
broadcast. It's a requirement of not being shot, and
if this doesn't scare you over to the Alliance, nothing
will. It's a reality show set in a bar on the famous
planet on Tatooine. The bartender is played by Beatrice
Arthur of Golden Girls fame, and she sings. Lord,
why does she have to sing? It's not pretty. First,
though, she has a conversation with a creepy guy who
is in love with her. Dude, it's Bea Arthur. Bea
Arthur. She's the witty wise-cracking grandma
you never had. And when I say "had" I don't
mean "had sex with". After that the Empire
shuts the place down, which forces Bea into song.
It's a confusing sequence of events, one rarely having
anything to do with another, but that's really the
theme of the whole damn Star Wars Holiday Special.
After
the Imperial Troops are done watching their little
show, they get a call saying that they should return
to base. Of course, we all know this is Lumpy's doing,
what with the mini-transmitter and all. One of the
Storm Troopers stays behind, though, to watch for
any signs of the Rebels. He promptly gets thrown off
of the balcony by Han and Chewie as they arrive just
in time.
With
that, Chewie and family transcend history to arrive
in some sort of weird Life Day meeting place. I don't
know what's going on. As I said in part 1, Carrie
Fisher starts to sing. This was another mistake. Everyone
is apparently happy though, so that's something. That's
pretty much the end.
All
in all I thought that this special focused far too
much on Wookies. I know that Chewie is popular, but
the rest of the species isn't cool enough to warrant
a two hour special on TV. Was this a sign of things
to come? Did this predict the quality of the prequels?
We may never know. All I know is that while it has
a certain nostalgic value, it's not very good and
probably should be avoided by everyone except die
hard fans.
Also,
I'd like to take this time to wish everyone a Merry
Christmas, even though as I write this it's 11:15pm
on Christmas Day. I don't know about you, but I've
got my biggest gathering tomorrow so my Christmas
has only begun. I hope you've enjoyed the articles
this holiday season. I know we only did 12 days, and
I applaud anyone who can actually write an article
a day for the whole 25. Believe me, we had more material
to write about, and if I wanted an ulcer for Christmas,
I would have done it.
MERRY XMAS!!!
DOWNLOAD
THE STAR WARS CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ANIMATED SHORT!!!
ARRR-WARRR-ARRR-ARR
(Wookie for "Back to NinjaCulture",
not pirate)
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