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Captain Planet is here because I the picture of Heather is too awful. Also, he himself is retarded.

The early ninties never made me so sick

by Andrew - January 14, 2003

Today, I'd like to thank you for coming back after all of this time. Six hot air balloons, four crates of malt liquor and two fine cuban cigars later I bring you a review of the Free Willy Original Motion Picture Soundtrack. Furthermore, I'd like to announce that we here at NinjaCulture are horrible at collaberations. Just plain terrible. And as such bad collaberators, we have completely not done our part of the Pop Rocks and Coke big ass year-end list thing. I could give you some excuses, but I think you can just make up your own.

The early ninties were wrought with problems, Vanilla Ice and rampant space ninjas attacks were just a few of them. But by the time 1993 rolled around, the world had forgotten about V-Ice and space ninja's co-existed peacefully with hmans and were as common as your local nieghborhood McDonalds. Infact, most space ninja's were employed by the McDonalds corperation until all but one died swiftly and painfully somehow. What killed them? The Free Willy Soundtrack.

Michael Jackson likes to walk around naked.
Pictured Above: A Retarded Space Ninja

Michael Jackson, you may remember him from the Jackson 5 or from last night, trying to throw your baby out of a speeding semitrain (what?) while a stream of confetti trailed this most crazy contraption. Yeah. Michael Jackson appears on the cd not once, but twice. Somehow, the corporate shills at Warner Brothers decided to give ol'MJ the opening and closing tracks on the cd. They didn't even try to make sure that it was a different song as the last track is the same as the first track, only shorter and could quite possibly be involved in acts of questionable legality. The song is called "Will You Be There" (no question mark) and I have only one answer for him, no, I will most certainly will not be there! They call it a reprise in the record biz. I call it a vain attempt to push this cd over the 1 hour mark.

Other hott tracks include "NEW KIDS ON TEH BLOKC - KEEP ON SMILN'!!~11`2`2`1 ROFL!", "Right Here" by the SWV-Sisters with Voices (they really, truly, shouldn't have voices) and "How Can You Leave Me Now" by the Funky Poets. The rest of the tracks are parts of the score from the film, which I have to commend them for.

It seems like these days movies have a tendancy to not have any sort of score what-so-ever. A prime example of this would be "TEH FAST AND TEH FUROIUS!`1`1`!@~oMG!!ROFL". The music in that movie consisted of rap, and more rap. Now, I'm all up for that, if it's comin' out of pastey, programmin' white boys.

I do like to sample the object of my review in it's entirety before I actually write about it, but this cd was just too horrid. And the sad fact is that I own it. I can't remember how I got it, but when Conrad was rummaging around our old cds, finding the likes of Tiffany and Heart, he just happened to come across it. This is why I don't let him in my house any more. That and he likes to make his "party mix" which consists of a multitude of various old, opened bags of chips crushed into a fine powder. Then he throws pennies, yes, pennies into the concoction. He said he it tasted horrible and yet he didn't stop eating it.

I've gone far off topic. The bottom line is if anyone ever listened to the type of music on the Free Willy OST, slow adult contemporary for the most part, they don't anymore. They'll flatly deny that they ever did enjoy it, and if they don't, I give you my personal authorization to knock that mofo out!

If this had been a CMF review, I would have given this soundtrack:

AIM: Terrahawk X
E-Mail: andrew@ninjacultr.com



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