| Today,
I'd like to thank you for coming back after all of this time.
Six hot air balloons, four crates of malt liquor and two fine
cuban cigars later I bring you a review of the Free Willy
Original Motion Picture Soundtrack. Furthermore, I'd like
to announce that we here at NinjaCulture are horrible at collaberations.
Just plain terrible. And as such bad collaberators, we have
completely not done our part of the Pop
Rocks and Coke big ass year-end list thing. I could give
you some excuses, but I think you can just make up your own.
The
early ninties were wrought with problems, Vanilla Ice and
rampant space ninjas attacks were just a few of them. But
by the time 1993 rolled around, the world had forgotten about
V-Ice and space ninja's co-existed peacefully with hmans and
were as common as your local nieghborhood McDonalds. Infact,
most space ninja's were employed by the McDonalds corperation
until all but one died swiftly and painfully somehow. What
killed them? The Free Willy Soundtrack.
 |
| Michael
Jackson likes to walk around naked.
Pictured Above: A Retarded Space Ninja |
Michael
Jackson, you may remember him from the Jackson
5 or from
last night, trying to throw your baby out of a speeding semitrain
(what?) while a stream of confetti trailed this most crazy
contraption. Yeah. Michael Jackson appears on the cd not once,
but twice. Somehow, the corporate shills at Warner Brothers
decided to give ol'MJ the opening and closing tracks on the
cd. They didn't even try to make sure that it was a different
song as the last track is the same as the first track, only
shorter and could quite possibly be involved in acts of questionable legality. The song is called "Will
You Be There" (no question mark) and I have only one
answer for him, no, I will most certainly will not be there!
They call it a reprise in the record biz. I call it a vain
attempt to push this cd over the 1 hour mark.
Other hott tracks include "NEW KIDS ON TEH BLOKC
- KEEP ON SMILN'!!~11`2`2`1 ROFL!", "Right Here"
by the SWV-Sisters with Voices (they really, truly, shouldn't
have voices) and "How Can You Leave Me Now" by the
Funky Poets. The rest of the tracks are parts of the score
from the film, which I have to commend them for.
It
seems like these days movies have a tendancy to not have any
sort of score what-so-ever. A prime example of this would
be "TEH FAST AND TEH FUROIUS!`1`1`!@~oMG!!ROFL".
The music in that movie consisted of rap, and more rap. Now,
I'm all up for that, if it's comin' out of pastey,
programmin' white boys.
I
do like to sample the object of my review in it's entirety
before I actually write about it, but this cd was just too
horrid. And the sad fact is that I own it. I can't remember
how I got it, but when Conrad was rummaging around our old
cds, finding the likes of Tiffany and Heart,
he just happened to come across it. This is why I don't let
him in my house any more. That and he likes to make his "party
mix" which consists of a multitude of various old, opened
bags of chips crushed into a fine powder. Then he throws pennies,
yes, pennies into the concoction. He said he it tasted
horrible and yet he didn't stop eating it.
I've
gone far off topic. The bottom line is if anyone ever listened
to the type of music on the Free Willy OST, slow adult contemporary
for the most part, they don't anymore. They'll flatly deny
that they ever did enjoy it, and if they don't, I give you
my personal authorization to knock that mofo out!
If
this had been a CMF review, I would have given this soundtrack:
|
