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Also inside: I peer into your mind...

by Nathan - January 16, 2003

I'm going to ask you a kind of personal question, and you don't have to answer out loud or anything but I want you to think about it. Have you ever had a dream where you were Spider-Man? You know, like, you could fling web from your wrists and swing around and just be awesome in general? And now's the part where I creep you out and make you take out a second restraining order on me - because I can say with a good amount of certainty that you answered yes.

Spider-Man is just a cool guy, and we all know it. But sadly, our hum-drum everyday lives just aren't likely to be brightened by a visit from a radioactive (or genetically altered, depending on who's telling it) spider to turn us into mildly freaky but exceptionally awesome superheroes.

Thanks to the keen observational skills of Matt, who pointed me in the direction of this thing, I have found a way to come close. Very close. Witness the awesome power of

The King of Fighters Sport X Action Figure.

I know that this looks like a simple bootleg Spider-Man action figure, but I assure you that it is so much more. Nevertheless, there are those naysayers who would require proof, and thusly I shall do the best I can to convince you that your lives truly aren't worth living without a King of Fighters Sport X Action Figure.

Let's get to brass tacks, shall we?

He truly is the King of Fighters.

First, the figure itself. This baby stands about a foot tall and is fully articulated, but only if by 'fully articulated' you mean 'he can move his entire limb at once, and the head is kind of loose'. But check out that intricate paint job, and that attention to detail! It takes a special amount of skill and determination to get the web on spidey's costume just so, and they appear to have done that. Unless of course, you take a closer look.

There's all kinds of smudges on him, and the misprinted eyes are no great surprise either. Of course, he's completetly unpainted on the other side, so I suppose whoever made this toy had the presence of mind to make doubly sure that they didn't screw up both sides by just not doing one. You may notice that his fingers, while technically in the classic Spidey webslinging position, are facing the wrong way. And you can't turn his wrist. This means that he doesn't so much 'sling web' as 'rock out all the time'.

Yeah! RAWK! WOOO!!!

Of course, every Asian bootleg toy has an extra wonderland of fun and excitement waiting for you to discover - the packaging. We've already been amazed by the name, which not only rips off a series of Super Nintendo fighting games but makes absolutely no sense in connection with the figure whatsoever.

But there's all kinds of other stuff going on there to amaze and confuse you. In fact, I'm starting to wonder if the the Chinese aren't pulling something akin the Canadian favorite "Talking to Americans" - perhaps they simply make these things as intentionally confusing as possible, just so they can have a hearty laugh at poor idiots like me who lose sleep over stuff like this. For example:

Flashing Enter? What?

I really hadn't the slightest clue what this meant until I talked to a fellow King of Fighters Sport X Action Figure Owner. The Saan in the mall at one point had quite a few of these, but they were down to two by the time Mike and I got there. Still, it was honestly surprising to run into someone besides us who had one, and who could explain the whole flashing enter thing. See. it all has something to do with this little button on his back, which, when pressed, activates the greatest feature that the real Spider-Man never had -

His torso lights up for no apparent reason! Just think of the million uses Spider-Man could've had with such a power. He could have...alerted enemies to his presence when hiding in the dark! Or. Um. He could confuse passers-by with a sudden red flash!

Okay, so we see here that perhaps the Flashing Enter power is not so very useful. But as I mentioned earlier, the Chinese had a ball on the packaging for this baby and decided that the fun shouldn't stop with Spider-Man - heavens no! "Why should we just have Spider-Man on our product," they thought, "when we can throw in Batman as well?"

And so we are not only treated to various shots of Batman on the packaging, we get some kind of weird, horse-riding pseudo-foreign Sub-Batman as well. Ladies and Gentlemen, meet -

Friend to the children, saviour of the village!

Viva Zuoluo!

Yes, Batmen of all nationalities have flocked to the packaging of a Spider-Man action figure, throwing aside the constrictive notions of DC and Marvel universes (universees? universi?) and joining together in peace and harmony. Only to be sold for One Canadian Dollar and Ninety Nine Canadian Cents. Irony is cruel, isn't it?

I do realize that not everyone can become Spider-Man. But thanks to the help of an affordably priced, badly-painted, constantly rocking out bit of mildly posable plastic, I've just come that much closer. I can only hope that one day you will experience the joy I now feel.

-e-mail: monster-0@alucentral.ca

w00t! Fiftieth Article! Many thanks to the folks who've joined us thus far on the ride called Ninjaculture, and remember - You Must Be At Least This Tall To Ride!

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