I don't even know where to begin with this one. WITH (that's right, you guessed it) DOWNLOAD!!

by Andrew - April 15, 2003

Hello my fellow everyones that read the site. I've got a doozy for you today. As the article title implies, I'll be talking about an arcade game based soley around the king of pop (not soda), Michael Jackson.

In recent months, MJ has been the worlds entertainment in a time of uncertainty and nearly malable, palpable, edible tension. Although, it seems that because the news media as of late has been more focussed on other matters, old MJ has been left to share the same fate as other long forgotten media celebrities such as Monica Lewinski, Elian Gonzales, and last but not least, O.J. Simpson. But here's the one million dollar question for you, did Monica or Elian have an arcade game based on them that was released in the early 90s by none other than Sega? The answer, my friends, will cost you one million dollars.

If you're anything like me, you've played a lot of arcade games in the bowling alley. Of course, that was after three games of exciting junior league bowling action, and I presume that makes you a lot less like me, and possibly much cooler. I filled my time by playing Road Blasters and pinball. I don't know why pinball, besides that I rocked at pinball. However, the local bowling emporium never received a Moonwalker game, and I'm glad. After playing it I have been lead to believe that monkeys possess super powers, parental negligence is rampant in our fair cities, and that Michael Jackson is our savior from everything. Let me explain.

Michael, your nemisis Mr. BIG, and possibly the ugliest kid ever.

In the game you play as Michael. Wearing his then signature white suit, you're out one day when you realize that Mr. BIG has kidnapped small children. Suffice it to say, I was distraught that Mr. BIG didn't turn out to be a large, anthropomorphic candy bar. Seriously, it wouldn't have been out of place in this game. What's even more frightening than candy with body parts is the fact that MJ must rescue small children. Some parents they have. One, they let millions of children get kidnapped; two, Michael Jackson is who they call on to rescue them. That's what I call extreme negligence/retardism. Real children regard Michael Jackson as thier mortal enemy, while the portrayal of children in this game is one that has love and respect for ol' Emmjay, offerring icons of health and special power ups. My mother has only given me two pieces of advice, ever, and one of them was never ever, EVER be rescued by Michael Jackson. The other piece of advice was, "Don't play with that, it'll fall off!".

Speaking of monkeys, Jacko's Bubbles makes a few appearances. You come across him in various points in the game. Touch him, TOUCH HIS MONKEY! It's quite exhilerating. What happens when Michael touches his monkey? He grows to about 5 times the size, changes into Mecha-Michael and shrinks back down to do some serious damage. I kid you not. I had conflicting emotions of "awesomeness" and "I think I threw up a little in my mouth". While on one hand you could now do slightly more damage, on the other hand you looked even fruitier, if that's even possible. I'm not quite sure if it is.


Of course, your objective in the game is to fight your way through all five levels, saving children as you go, and generally defeat evil with your Top 40 skillz. Although, I'm using the term "evil" very loosely, as I figure anyone against the progression of the Jackson isn't so bad. Sometimes I just load up on credits and make Michael stand there and take hits repeatedly. But when you do feel like playing, I dunno, you started feeling sorry for the children or something, you should know your moves and what they do.

Shoot: This is your basic shooting thing, with a kick. No, not an actual kick. Actually, he has what I'm going to call "Magic energy that fires from his fists" that defies all known laws of physics. And, of course, when in Mecha-Michael mode the damage is greater. Hold down the button for extra fun!

Dance Magic: This is your weapon of mass destruction. It has the ability to clear off the entire screen of enemies, but not before they dance. Michael starts dancing, all the enemies start dancing and then they presumably self-destruct from the realization that they are infact dancing to and with Michael Jackson. I know I would. It's a very effective weapon, but you only get one at the beginning of each level. Sometimes you can shakedown the children for extra Dance Magics.

Health: Not actually a move, but vital to successful gameplay. I think it's safe to say that you shouldn't want to run out of this, but being the bastard I am, I sure don't try very hard not to. Sometimes children give you health, I don't know why.

There are five levels in the game, each getting progressively harder as you go along. New enimies show up, from the very phalic green thrusting machine to the zombies in the graveyard. I learned pretty quickly that zombies can't dance, but you can't blame them. They're called the walking undead for a reason, not the dancing undead. To further aid in your annoyment, at the end of each level you must defeat a boss. Boss intelligence may vary, see store for details.

The very end of the game is the best. After you defeat Mr. BIG, putting a silence to his various terrible one liners and bad voice acting, Mecha-Michael turns into a rocket ship destined for the moon, presumably. Seriously, I couldn't make this stuff up even if I tried. Credits roll and you realize that you just wasted $10 dollars in quarters on a Michael Jackson arcade game. Man you must suck, ten bucks? Why would you spend your money when you can download the rom*, or better yet, watch the movie.


*Download only if you have the actual game, or something


AIM: Terrahawk X

LICK MY JESUS (man, I've been linking them a lot here, but they kick ass), THE TOILET

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