| Easter.
Easter comes in second when talking about holidays
that have had their true meanings forgotten. It also
comes in second when talking about the most gluttonous
holidays. But it's not by far my second favorite holiday.
Christmas and Christmas in September are first on
my list, and then maybe Easter, but only because there's
hordes of candy involved.
I'd
say I've always liked candy, not loved it, just liked
it. Although, in my earlier, stupider years, my cousins
and I have sold rocks to get candy money. We were
addicts, we all were at that age. We lusted for that
sweet sweet forbidden sugar resembling fruit, hamburgers,
or even garbage. Kids have a tendancy to be disgusting
and they like showing it off. As a child I bought
gum that was presumably the excrement of a ghost in
a toothpaste tube shaped tube, and many other deliciously
mal-marketed treats. And you know what? I can recall
liking them, even though 40 years from now I'll probably
be bald with a third nipple in a very unfortunate
place. I haven't had the pleasure of tasting such
previous recalled confectionary since, and I'm not
complaining. Who would, under their own volition,
want to eat a 15 year old tube of Slimer Gum anyways?
This
year, under strict test conditions (which basically
means no talking), I have decided to take it upon
myself to test some of the candy we have for purchase
at my place of employment. A little Easter gift from
me to all you last minute Easter shoppers.
First
up, Twisted Push-pop.
Push-pops
have always been one of the most ingenious candies
on the market. An interactive candy that's almost
as fun to eat as the babysitter, and just as messy.
The whole premise behind it is that you've got to
push the candy from the bottom to get more. This mechanism,
however, is not without fault. As you proceed to push
and suck, the resulting hollow tube gets incredibly
sticky. Furthermore, part of the Push-pop advertising
campaign is that it can be resealable by placing the
top cap back on for later consumption. This leads
to a whole new problem as the stickiness dries. You
ain't neva gitten that thar push-pop back out! But
who can't finish one of these?
I
chose to consume the Raspberry Lemonade combination.
Combining two flavours is not a new trick by any means.
In the early ninties Hubba-Bubba tried, unsuccessfully,
combining chocolate and watermelon into gum. The chocolate
tasted more like coffee, burned coffee, than chocolate.
That and the fact that I hate watermelon resulted
in my almost puking. So you can see I'm a bit skeptical
when it comes to combining flavours. This, though,
had barely any flavour. Lemonade and Raspberry were
but a distant taste-whisper. Infact, after a while
I swear I tasted a hint of flax.
Price:
$0.65
Pushability: Excellent.
Fun: Moderate due to the stickiness
factor.
Tastiness: Low, flax ain't fun.
Next
we have the infamous Kinder Egg Surprise!
Now,
their gimmick is to package a small toy, that you
may or may not have to put together, in a chocolate
egg shell. Many of you may be tempted to buy such
a treat this Easter due to it's egg shape and the
toy is sure to bring a surprise that rivals the peanut.
But is it really any good?
Kinder
eggs have been around here in Canada for quite a while
and maybe we've gotten used to the extreme German
taste of them. But they are incredibly sweet. I don't
think it's possible to actually have that amount of
sugar in that amount of chocolate. I've taken one
bite and I've got a headache.
Another
headache is the packaging the toy comes in, an orange
enema of some sort. There is no getting that bitch
to open. I used the completely unorthodox utilization
of some fishing line, a toothpick, the spirits of
a thousand dead monks and a hammer to get it open.
Once I did I got four blue pieces, two black pieces
and a mirrorific type piece. Pieces of what
exactly? I don't know, but I intend to find out.
Apparently
it's a device that allows me to see something three
inches to the right without actually having to look
there. WHAT THE HELL!? Maybe if you were behind a
corner and didn't want to be seen by Killer Ninja
Bees but didn't mind if your crazy contraption would
be seen by Killer Ninja Bees then yes, it would be
useful. But in that highly unlikely situation I don't
think you'd be using a five cent toy you payed 99
cents for, before tax.
Price:
$0.99
Teeth: Not after you eat this!
Toy: If it had an IQ, it would be
autistic or dead.
Tastiness: So extreme you'll wish
you were dead.
The
voluptuous Bubble Jug!
Bubble
Jug has got to be one of the most insane gums out
there. It's the only gum that you're supposed to chug,
according to the packaging, and it's quite disgusting.
For
some reason I remember liking this stuff as a kid,
but now it's terrible. It's a combination of sugar
and gum, none of it liquid suitable for chugging of
any sort, and texturally nasty. It's basically like
throwin' back a glass full of powdered sugar, only
to find that somebody has spiked it with tiny bits
of gum. I don't know about you, but I sure don't like
swallowing gum. It's not because of that old thing
were it supposedly takes gum 7 years to digest, it's
just not right to swallow it. Kinda like it's not
right to swallow toothpaste.
On
the back it says that it's made by the Amurol confections
company. Amurol sounds like some sort of cleaning
solution, much less a bubble gum manufacturer. I give
it 1 point unit out of 10 point units. It got one
because of fond memories that I have completely unrelated
to the product at hand.
Price:
Whopping $1.09
Flava Flav: Carribean Blend
Shivers whilst consuming: Plenty
Tastiness: Crappable, at best
Pixy
Stix;
enough said.
Pixy
Stix have a long standing tradition of being the Kool-Aid
of candy that comes in paper sticks. Consisting of
pure sugar and flavouring, their main purpose is to
destroy your soul and make you very hyper. Also, you
better not like your teeth very much if you plan on
consuming any amount of these.
One
way to describe would be like taking a shot of pre-watered
powdered iced tea. It's really potent stuff only suitable
for people that have had numerous tastebud amputations.
However, if pixies actually do taste like this ground
up into a fine powder, then imagine how good they
are in bed!
Price:
$0.40 for a package of 3 stix
Pixies: I'm guessing three, one per
stick
Tastiness: Extreme, though the purple
stick tasted like extreme dill for some reason
Knock-offs: One (continue below)
Get
ready to be blasted by Neon
Lazers!!!
These
are obvious cheap Pixy Stix knock-offs. They're sugar
in a tube. That's all that is required for an item
to be a Pixy Stix knock-off. Sugar in a tube. I'm
currently eating the yellow one, which is of the banana
flavour. It's terrible. Tastes kinda like jello after
I've thrown it up. I'm not sure if I want to taste
the other three flavours.
For
what it's worth, they do cost less than Pixy Stix
but "getting what you pay" for is the ever
abundant axiom here. Wanna go cheap and kill everyone?
Get these. Wanna go expensive and kill everyone, get
the official Pixy Stix.
Price:
$0.10 per stick
Nastiness: Excessive
Neon: In abundance
Sexuality: Homoerotic undertones
Pop
Rocks and Coke Bottle Caps and Wild Cherry Pepsi!!
Everyone
knows that Pop Rocks and Coke killed Mikey of the
old Life comercials fame. But then it turns out that
it didn't and this popular urban legend was itself
put to death. Well, we didn't have any Pop Rocks at
work. The closest thing I could find were Bottle Caps
and they don't even pop! So the point it pretty much
moot. However, they are deliciously good and should
probably be eaten this Easter.
Drinking
the Cherry Pepsi whilst eating a Bottle Cap leads
to an interesting foamy sensation in your mouth. I
isn't anywhere near what Pop Rocks and Coke delivers
though, but it is a nice, safe substitute.
Also, the Bottle Caps come in a few different flavours.
So far I've tasted Root Beer and Grape, but I'm sure
there is more.
Price:
Bottle Caps = $0.65, Cherry Pepsi = $0.65
Tastiness: Mellow and delicious
Stomach Exploding: Rather Light
Recommended: Definately
The
Gastronormous Mother of all Jawbreakers
The
first time I laid eyes upon one of these monstrosities
a few explitives left my mouth. They're huge, hard,
and deadly. If there was any candy that was specifically
designed to kill, this one would be it. Measuring
a hefty 2 1/4" diameter, it's around the size
of a billard ball. I was no match for it, I'm not
crazy enough to tackle one of these things.
We
had them for sale at work, but presumably
they sold. I pray for those brave souls that pruchased
one of these every night. I just don't know how to
get across how huge these things are, they're
freaking huge! Possibly the only candy the will
actually break your jaw off. Stay away from
these, folks.
Price:
$1.49
Monstrously Huge: Yes
Suicidalists: Will have a ball
Tastiness: Not applicable
Well,
that's it for this year. I hope this has been an informative
guide to your Easter shopping.
BACK
TO NINJACULTURE!
|
