by Andrew - April 18, 2003

Easter. Easter comes in second when talking about holidays that have had their true meanings forgotten. It also comes in second when talking about the most gluttonous holidays. But it's not by far my second favorite holiday. Christmas and Christmas in September are first on my list, and then maybe Easter, but only because there's hordes of candy involved.

I'd say I've always liked candy, not loved it, just liked it. Although, in my earlier, stupider years, my cousins and I have sold rocks to get candy money. We were addicts, we all were at that age. We lusted for that sweet sweet forbidden sugar resembling fruit, hamburgers, or even garbage. Kids have a tendancy to be disgusting and they like showing it off. As a child I bought gum that was presumably the excrement of a ghost in a toothpaste tube shaped tube, and many other deliciously mal-marketed treats. And you know what? I can recall liking them, even though 40 years from now I'll probably be bald with a third nipple in a very unfortunate place. I haven't had the pleasure of tasting such previous recalled confectionary since, and I'm not complaining. Who would, under their own volition, want to eat a 15 year old tube of Slimer Gum anyways?

This year, under strict test conditions (which basically means no talking), I have decided to take it upon myself to test some of the candy we have for purchase at my place of employment. A little Easter gift from me to all you last minute Easter shoppers.

First up, Twisted Push-pop.

Push-pops have always been one of the most ingenious candies on the market. An interactive candy that's almost as fun to eat as the babysitter, and just as messy. The whole premise behind it is that you've got to push the candy from the bottom to get more. This mechanism, however, is not without fault. As you proceed to push and suck, the resulting hollow tube gets incredibly sticky. Furthermore, part of the Push-pop advertising campaign is that it can be resealable by placing the top cap back on for later consumption. This leads to a whole new problem as the stickiness dries. You ain't neva gitten that thar push-pop back out! But who can't finish one of these?

I chose to consume the Raspberry Lemonade combination. Combining two flavours is not a new trick by any means. In the early ninties Hubba-Bubba tried, unsuccessfully, combining chocolate and watermelon into gum. The chocolate tasted more like coffee, burned coffee, than chocolate. That and the fact that I hate watermelon resulted in my almost puking. So you can see I'm a bit skeptical when it comes to combining flavours. This, though, had barely any flavour. Lemonade and Raspberry were but a distant taste-whisper. Infact, after a while I swear I tasted a hint of flax.

Price: $0.65
Fun: Moderate due to the stickiness factor.
Tastiness: Low, flax ain't fun.

Next we have the infamous Kinder Egg Surprise!

Now, their gimmick is to package a small toy, that you may or may not have to put together, in a chocolate egg shell. Many of you may be tempted to buy such a treat this Easter due to it's egg shape and the toy is sure to bring a surprise that rivals the peanut. But is it really any good?

Kinder eggs have been around here in Canada for quite a while and maybe we've gotten used to the extreme German taste of them. But they are incredibly sweet. I don't think it's possible to actually have that amount of sugar in that amount of chocolate. I've taken one bite and I've got a headache.

Another headache is the packaging the toy comes in, an orange enema of some sort. There is no getting that bitch to open. I used the completely unorthodox utilization of some fishing line, a toothpick, the spirits of a thousand dead monks and a hammer to get it open. Once I did I got four blue pieces, two black pieces and a mirrorific type piece. Pieces of what exactly? I don't know, but I intend to find out.

Apparently it's a device that allows me to see something three inches to the right without actually having to look there. WHAT THE HELL!? Maybe if you were behind a corner and didn't want to be seen by Killer Ninja Bees but didn't mind if your crazy contraption would be seen by Killer Ninja Bees then yes, it would be useful. But in that highly unlikely situation I don't think you'd be using a five cent toy you payed 99 cents for, before tax.

Price: $0.99
Teeth: Not after you eat this!
Toy: If it had an IQ, it would be autistic or dead.
Tastiness: So extreme you'll wish you were dead.

The voluptuous Bubble Jug!

Bubble Jug has got to be one of the most insane gums out there. It's the only gum that you're supposed to chug, according to the packaging, and it's quite disgusting.

For some reason I remember liking this stuff as a kid, but now it's terrible. It's a combination of sugar and gum, none of it liquid suitable for chugging of any sort, and texturally nasty. It's basically like throwin' back a glass full of powdered sugar, only to find that somebody has spiked it with tiny bits of gum. I don't know about you, but I sure don't like swallowing gum. It's not because of that old thing were it supposedly takes gum 7 years to digest, it's just not right to swallow it. Kinda like it's not right to swallow toothpaste.

On the back it says that it's made by the Amurol confections company. Amurol sounds like some sort of cleaning solution, much less a bubble gum manufacturer. I give it 1 point unit out of 10 point units. It got one because of fond memories that I have completely unrelated to the product at hand.

Price: Whopping $1.09
Flava Flav: Carribean Blend
Shivers whilst consuming: Plenty
Tastiness: Crappable, at best

Pixy Stix; enough said.

Pixy Stix have a long standing tradition of being the Kool-Aid of candy that comes in paper sticks. Consisting of pure sugar and flavouring, their main purpose is to destroy your soul and make you very hyper. Also, you better not like your teeth very much if you plan on consuming any amount of these.

One way to describe would be like taking a shot of pre-watered powdered iced tea. It's really potent stuff only suitable for people that have had numerous tastebud amputations. However, if pixies actually do taste like this ground up into a fine powder, then imagine how good they are in bed!

Price: $0.40 for a package of 3 stix
Pixies: I'm guessing three, one per stick
Tastiness: Extreme, though the purple stick tasted like extreme dill for some reason
Knock-offs: One (continue below)

Get ready to be blasted by Neon Lazers!!!

These are obvious cheap Pixy Stix knock-offs. They're sugar in a tube. That's all that is required for an item to be a Pixy Stix knock-off. Sugar in a tube. I'm currently eating the yellow one, which is of the banana flavour. It's terrible. Tastes kinda like jello after I've thrown it up. I'm not sure if I want to taste the other three flavours.

For what it's worth, they do cost less than Pixy Stix but "getting what you pay" for is the ever abundant axiom here. Wanna go cheap and kill everyone? Get these. Wanna go expensive and kill everyone, get the official Pixy Stix.

Price: $0.10 per stick
Nastiness: Excessive
Neon: In abundance
Sexuality: Homoerotic undertones

Pop Rocks and Coke Bottle Caps and Wild Cherry Pepsi!!

Everyone knows that Pop Rocks and Coke killed Mikey of the old Life comercials fame. But then it turns out that it didn't and this popular urban legend was itself put to death. Well, we didn't have any Pop Rocks at work. The closest thing I could find were Bottle Caps and they don't even pop! So the point it pretty much moot. However, they are deliciously good and should probably be eaten this Easter.

Drinking the Cherry Pepsi whilst eating a Bottle Cap leads to an interesting foamy sensation in your mouth. I isn't anywhere near what Pop Rocks and Coke delivers though, but it is a nice, safe substitute. Also, the Bottle Caps come in a few different flavours. So far I've tasted Root Beer and Grape, but I'm sure there is more.

Price: Bottle Caps = $0.65, Cherry Pepsi = $0.65
Tastiness: Mellow and delicious
Stomach Exploding: Rather Light
Recommended: Definately

The Gastronormous Mother of all Jawbreakers

The first time I laid eyes upon one of these monstrosities a few explitives left my mouth. They're huge, hard, and deadly. If there was any candy that was specifically designed to kill, this one would be it. Measuring a hefty 2 1/4" diameter, it's around the size of a billard ball. I was no match for it, I'm not crazy enough to tackle one of these things.

We had them for sale at work, but presumably they sold. I pray for those brave souls that pruchased one of these every night. I just don't know how to get across how huge these things are, they're freaking huge! Possibly the only candy the will actually break your jaw off. Stay away from these, folks.

Price: $1.49
Monstrously Huge: Yes
Suicidalists: Will have a ball
Tastiness: Not applicable

Well, that's it for this year. I hope this has been an informative guide to your Easter shopping.


AIM: Terrahawk X


Related Articles:

Cooking with Conrad
Previous <-
NinjaCulture 2002-07 (E-mail) : Disclaimer
All media is property of their respective copyright holders
No portion of NinjaCulture may be re-printed without prior consent
Archive: 1 | Current

Link with this!
You have many luck!