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The legend of the tube.

by Andrew - April 24, 2003

A long time ago Canadian Tire Matt, who you should all be familiar with by now (if not, just play along), donated approximately one million bad movies to Crappah Moovah Fridah. Among these terrible movies was a tape that contained not one, not two, but three movies. Furthermore, they were, according to the title, GREAT MARTIAL ARTS MOVIES distributed by American Home Treasures. However, upon viewing, these movies were only great in "skucking", a word I came up with because I needed something that sounded nastier than "sucking".

I have to admit that when we first watched these our attention spans were equal to about 2 minutes. After which we just started talking about other things such as McDonalds Promotional Characters and, perhaps, shoes. Now, I tried watching the first movie on the tape again but I lost interest around the 40 minute mark. It's just no good watching these movies alone, and when you're not alone you'll inadvertantly start talking about wheather or not The Grimace wears Nike.

Now that I've got all that said, I believe the tape has something to add before we get started:

Says, "Due to the fragile nature of the original materials used to produce this program, the screen quality and continuity of this film may not be equal to current standard."

Apparently, the people at American Home Treasures know that these films aren't, shall we say, nearly up to par with any movie, ever. They cite the master as being of poor quality and fragile as if it's some kind of rarity. They've presumably had to remove entire scenes thereby making the movie not as continuous as it once was. I would have just settled for "We screwed you over, you just bought three shitty movies. LOL!!". However, we did have a good chortle over it.

The first movie on the tape is called Blood of the Dragon. It begins with our hero kicking the crap out of some guy in what appears to be ancient China, but no one is really sure. This seems to go on for the better part of the film, but then you look at the clock and only four minutes have passed. This is the temporal nature of this entire tape, and by my calculations, 284 minutes, the length of all three films combined, feels more like a couple of decades. Although, my math is terrible at best.

Our hero's name is Long Ti played by Jimmy Wang Yu. Jimmy what me? Ahem.. Anyways, people seem to call him Master Long throughout the movie, and with good cause! I mean, it is his name. After he gets tired of filming the opening sequence the titles roll and a soundtrack that rivals Ninja in Action's kicks in. The soundtrack was recorded by Flood. Now, I don't know if this is the same person that has worked with the likes of U2, Dpeche Mode and New Order, but I have high hopes that it is. And if it actually is, I'm farily sure that was ripped off.

After the opening titles, two very important people, one in a wheelbarrow, are on there way to deliver a special tube containing the location of the secret rebel forces to some guy at The Palace. They're suddenly attacked by, yes, that's right, the guy that inadvertantly played Betty in Kung Pow. It's strange to hear this guy speak in a somewhat normal voice. I say somewhat normal because the English dub is so terrible. I mean, they got an old chinese man sounding british! (Though there is a perfectly good explanation to that, but that's no fun). But I digress. Betty and his cronies kill the woman but the guy gets away on a horse. Of course, he couldn't forget his sword, which he conviently placed through his back. I'll give this sequence some credit as the death of the woman was actually kind of creepy, and this is coming from a guy that doesn't find horror movies scary, just rediculous.

Next Scene: Here we are introduced to the other main character in the movie, a small, blind orphan. OR IS HE? In reality he's just a brat trying to trick people into giving him money. We'll call him Mewtwo because I can't distinguish what people are calling him when they say his name. When the old british chinese man tells him to get lost, Mewtwo kicks his ass and runs away into an alley. Lo and behold, the guy with the tube and a sword through his back comes riding into that very alley and then dies. His dying wish is that the tube be delivered to the palace. Mewtwo then runs back to this hot asian chick he somehow knows and tells her what happened.

Just then, Betty and his cronies trash the place, looking for das ge-tuben-heimlershmidt. Betty chases Mewtwo and hot girl outside and starts beating on them, knowing that Mewtwo has the tube. But fear not young viewer! Master Long is there to save the day, for some reason, and once again starts kicking ass. I've got to hand it to him, Long's ability to alter his facial hair length at will is a most impressive skill for anyone.

In the end, Long severly injures Betty's hand by pulling on his chain really hard. You heard that right. Not only is Betty in the movie, he's swinging his chain again! Betty et. al go running off into the woods while Long and Mewtwo head off on their quest to deliver the tube.

I seriously don't know how many more times I can type the word tube. It's starting to wear on me.

This is where my attention was starting to focus more on shiny things rather than the movie. I do know, however, that they reach the palace about half way through the movie and nobody likes Master Long there. Apparently the guy he randomly killed in the beginning was some other guy's father. Strange how that works. Master Long tries getting out of fighting by claiming that he has killed so many men in his day he could not possibly remember which one was this guy's dad. That's kinda like a car thief saying that he couldn't remember every car he's stolen, and then urinating on everybody. That's pretty offensive folks. So they battle it out, Long gets cut on his back and bleeds Kool-Aid.

I seriously don't know what happens next and I'm sorry. There are, however, some stark similarities between this and another movie, Star Wars. Let's take a look shall we? First of all, they're both movies, that's plain to see. Secondly, they both have secret rebel bases. Thirdly, they both seem to have people with british accents in peculiar places. And lastly, in the end ***SPOILERS*** Master Long dies ***END SPOILERS*** just like Obi-wan Kenobi.

In retrospect, the actions scenes weren't too terribly bad considering that they probably should have been a lot worse. The sound effects, all two variations, were all recorded at the same volume, ear hemorrhaging loud. But you know what? That's what we paid for and that's why these types of movies are so enjoyable. I know not what happened to the tube, but nobody really watches these movies for that anyways.


Stay tuned to NinjaCulture for reviews of Blood Fight and Champ against Champ

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E-Mail: andrew@ninjacultr.com


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