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Robin Hood: I think I sold some porno to this guy...

by Andrew - March 3, 2003

Canada, wonderous mystical land to the North of most everything. I'm proud to say that I'm Canadian. I brave -40 degree weather in T-shirts while eating popsicles. Our air is fresh and our water is clean (excluding Vancouver and Toronto). And our flour packaging features sex-offenders from the seventies that take from the rich and give it to the poor.

What I am talking about is a brand of flour, you know, the stuff you bake stuff with, out here called Robin Hood. Now, I've seen a lot of Robin Hood movies and all of them, from the one with the animals to the one with the Kevin Costners, have never told the other long forgotten story of Robin Hood.

Here, now, is a fact that Hollywood doesn't want you to know about Robin Hood. The flour companies, however, flaunt about with undue concern for the well being of the Robin Hood franchise.

FACT 1: Robin Hood didn't live in Mideval times, he lived in the 70s underneath an unfortunate mix McDonald's/cement processing facility. Fortunately the X-lax properties of McDonalds food and the constipation ramifications of ingesting wet cement cancel each other out quite perfectly.

Robin Hood, according to our sorces, was seen many times during the seventies, approaching children saying, "Hey kid, wanna try some... flour?" The reasons why Mr. Hood tried to sell flour to kids as if it were some illicit drug are still unclear to this day, however rumours have been flying about that he infact did not know that there were other types of illicit drugs much more illicit than everyday baking flour. Some may attribute this to his disease known as "retardism", while still other say that it is because he was actually a time traveller from the moon.

"Time traveller from the moon you say?", yes, yes I do say that. Not that I believe it, because we all know that the moon doesn't even exist. But some right-wing-neo-liberal-fascist extremists will have you believe that they have found a Flux Capacitor, famously known for being the device that makes time travel possible, covered in moon dust under stack of old Penthouse magazines. The obvious hole in this theory is that they failed to connect this in any way to Robin Hood. They could have at least sprinkled some flour or ground up chalk that look like flour onto the Flux Capacitor. They just got lazy.

However, if you take a look at the packaging for the product, you will find a nice profile of the man in question. Look at him, just look at him. Pimpin' hat, long red hair, and a moustache to rival Tom Selleck's, this guy is up to no good with small children. He sells the good stuff, the "Pre-Sifted" smack, ye olde fashioned blowe that everyone is looking for. And better yet, it's all purpose. Yes, that's right. Sure you could bake with it, or you could sniff it, snork it, stanch it, pork it, floor it, re-sift it, york it, spoon it, groon it, kabob it, flambe it, or just eat it right out of the package. It's all up to you.

You can thank this enterprising entrepenuer in far too tight tights from the seventies for today's drug culture. He was a pioneer in his own right, like Jesus (read: The Big Lebowski). It's not known if he stole the goods from the wealthy and sold it at an incredibly high price to the poor addicts, but some hopeful dreamers like to think that he did.

He died the way he lived, selling flour to kids by the kilo, if that's even possible. And if it's any consolation to his many fans, their hopes and dreams now crushed from my unrelentless unleashing of disturbing imagery and incredible factual evidence (lies), all I can say to them is "Have a good one".

AIM: Terrahawk X
E-Mail: andrew@ninjacultr.com

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