Celebrate 'Life Day' with Chewie's family.
By Andrew - December 24, 2003

Classic Warner Brothers cartoons are probably the hardest thing to write about. It's because they're so good with no inherent flaws for me to point and laugh at. Each animation is so well crafted, especially for the time, that it's really hard to find something wrong. Or maybe it's just because I'm unhealthily enamored with them that I can't see any faults. And since all I know how to do is point out the short comings of things and make mildly amusing observations, I've never even thought of mentioning Bugs or Tweety on the site before.

That's until I decided to do this damn 12 days of Christmas. Oi!

Flying a Tasmanian Devil over the North Pole is no way to spend Christmas Eve, but it is one way to get a Tasmanian Devil mistaken for Santa. Let me explain:

NinjaCulture Science Corner
with Regenald VelJohnson
Many of you may think that you cannot dry anything outside at the North Pole due to the extreme cold. Wouldn't it just freeze? The answer: Yes, but your clothes still dry through the process of sublimation. It's a magical process developed by many Canadian scientists in the late 1970s. I know this because I'm a cop.

The cartoon starts at the North Pole with Mrs. Claus telling Santa that his clothes are not yet dry. They also establish that Mrs. Claus' first name is Martha. I'm not sure how valid that is; maybe I don't know my Christmas lore well enough. However, I've never heard that her name is Martha. One theory of mine is that because when Mel Blanc says "Martha!", it sounds classic. Yes, classic. Things can sound classic, dammit. Unless all this is actually true, then I'm just making a fool of myself.

All this sequence is supposed to do is set up that Santa has his suit hanging out to dry, and that it's Christmas Eve.

Meanwhile, thousands of feet above the North Pole, a special "Fly by Night Air Freight" plane flies overhead. It's cargo? One Tasmanian Devil. The pilots state that the Tasmanian Devil has been subdued with a tranquilizer.

This is where we learn that no tranquilizers can keep Taz down, and then he proceeds to drill a hole through the bottom of the plane and fall, but not before grabbing a parachute. Okay, so I lied. He grabs the parachute after he jumps. That's gotta be the most insane thing anyone has ever done. Look for it on next week's Fear Factor hosted by the guy who played Joe on NBCs hit sitcom News Radio.

So Taz falls to Earth and, let's say, he falls into Santa's pants. Of course there are a few more steps to it than that. One doesn't just fall into Santa's pants directly when in a cartoon. There's bound to be a sequence events, and there was. But you're just gonna have to watch it for yourself. I ain't givin' away shit.

Looking as bewildered as ever, Taz ends up in Santa's sleigh and looking terrible, but I should lay off the guy. If you just fell 2000 feet, put on a pair of Santa pants at mach two, and found yourself face first in a herd of reindeer ass, you'd look about the same. I'd say Taz is doing pretty good here.

That's when the reindeer took off and Taz is in the role of defacto Santa. Now I'm starting to get worried. I don't want no Tasmanian devil goin' down my chimney!

Back at the Bunny homestead, Bugs is reading "Twas the night before Christmas" to his nephew Clyde. And how appropriate it is that Taz lands on the roof just as Bugs reaches the appropriate part story. Taz stumbles down a chimney like a drunken hobo into a food kitchen on Christmas Day. Oh what warm memories the season brings.

Now, let me tell you something about Bugs Bunny. He's nobody's fool. Mr. T would be proud. Bugs always knows what's going on and, as if by magic, always knows what the best way to resolve said situation, usually by not letting anyone know that he knows that a ruse is a foot. Bugs offers Taz some milk and cookies which he devours with extreme prejudice. Then Bugs reads off Clyde's Christmas list. Let's take a look at it shall we?

  • A solid gold football
  • A trip to Venus
  • Ten tickets to the World Series
  • A hockey team (world championship quality)
  • A carrot farm in the south pacific
  • A stereo
  • A TV
  • A controlling interest in IBM
  • Subscription to the comic book of the month club
  • Frank Sinatra's old address book
  • Twin Ferrari's with custom plates
  • A Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde chemical set
  • Jet roller-skate
  • A second hand diamond
  • A laser light show

and, on and on and on. Damn, I was never this bad when I was a kid. I don't think I was this bad when I was a kid. I might've been this bad. Probably was. Was definitely worse.

During the whole time Bugs is ready off Clyde's Christmas list, Taz is injuring himself on various objects. Let's take a look at that.

After all these injuries Taz decides that he wants a present for himself, and being a resourceful guy he is, he heads towards the Christmas tree, picks a present and tries to leave.

Bugs isn't having any of this, and knowing that Taz'll most likely eat his present, he gives him something a bit more filling, a self-inflating rubber life-raft. I doubt Taz can read, so he just eats it with gleeful abandon. As per the label, the raft inflates and Taz floats away. THE END? Not quite.

Clyde is very unhappy that 'Santa' is gone and he got nothing. Bugs assures him when they return Santa's sleigh, which is still on the roof, Santa will let him have his choice of toys. THE END.

So, what did I think of this Christmas yarn? It was good, as all Merrie Melodies are. Y'know, I don't think I can think of a bad one. Some that traumatized me as a child? Yes, definitely, but they were well done. Not bad for being only six and a half minutes long.


AIM: Terrahawk X
E-Mail: andrew@ninjacultr.com

Guess what! Buy me stuff for Christmas and I'll probably write a 5000 word essay on how you're awesome.

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