I have a feeling lots of people need to read this.
By Nathan - December 23, 2003

Allright, so let's say you've done some things over the past year that you're not proud of. There's no real need for me to go into what exactly those indiscretions may have been, but the situation may be that you have found yourself on Santa's Naughty List, and therefore you are completely ineligible for any gifts.

This can be a real problem, for obvious reasons. Nobody wants to not get anything for Christmas - that'd be like, uh, Easter without, um, those Cadbury Eggs, or something. It's not right.

So if you're one of those unfortunate people that's in that sort of situation this year, you may find this article helpful. I've been doing some research* on getting out of Santa's bad books myself, and I've decided to share a couple of routes to true Christmas goodness for the lot of you.

*"research" is of course a fancy way of saying "I made it up"

[1] Commit as many good deeds as possible in two days. Basically, your task will be to wander the land doing every single possible good thing that occurs to you, from picking up the smallest bits of trash to foiling the largest robberies. It is up to you to effect as much good as possible in the shortest time possible, because you were supposed to be doing stuff like this all year, and now you've got a lot to make up for. A lot of people using this technique tend to burn in on the second day, but other good-deed methods are available - what about the Internet? Lots of people need advice, and that can be done without leaving your chair. Just make sure it's good advice, not the bad stuff you might normally dish out.

[2] Speaking of computers, you could hack Santa's Naughty List and change your status. Or alternately, get someone possessed of l33t enough skillz to do it for you. I bet you thought that Santa still writes this good/bad stuff down, didn't you? Not a chance. In today's fast-paced, technologically advanced world, an operation as specialized and gigantic as Santa's has got to keep up, and I happen to know that Santa's Good/Bad databases are housed on a server with remarkably poor security. For those who live near the North Pole, wireless access is also said to be an option.

[3] Capture Osama Bin Laden. This might fall under good deeds to some, but it actually doesn't, because in doing so you're allowed to be as sneaky and violent as you need to be. The ends justify the means in Santa's books, and bringing in a big fish like Bin Laden would cement your name on the good side of things for a couple of years at least.

[4] You know that seemingly trite, cliched thing about how kids like to leave him Cookies and Milk? Don't laugh, it works. Even though Santa gets an assload of exercise each year by hauling presents into every household, he doesn't manage to lose any weight. Why? Because he can be bought, my friend. Nothing like a last-minute offering to the big guy in red to get you a couple of last-minute presents as well.

[5] If you're one of the few who happen to be in a position of political power, lean on him a little. Along with your wish list, submit an attached note making vague threats about exposing the dirty secrets of his operation to the world at large. Using points such as "elves actually children in disguise, forced to work in sweatshop-like toy factory" and "reindeer are abused and live in filthy, untended stables" will more than likely put a bit of a scare into Old Saint Nick and get you a couple gifts in return for not bringing him before the supreme court. What you claim to know doesn't necessarily have to be true, but believe me, Santa is a very cautious fellow, and if a couple of presents will shut you up, so be it.

[6] Visit Ninjaculture regularly, and also the fine sites we link to. I'm not sure why it works, but it does.

[7] As a contrast to #5, do a favor for Santa. Anything you can think of that will make his one-night-a-year-of-actual-work a little easier is guaranteed to be a hit. You know those crazy neighbors of yours that like to fire their guns wildly into the air on Christmas Eve? Get them to stop. You know those jagged bits of glass wedged into the inside of your Chimney that you've been meaning to clean out of there? Do it. You know that reindeer you've got locked in your basement, with that crazy red nose that lights up and you don't know how the hell he does it but isn't it so cool? Maybe it's time you let him out.

[8] Stop being so mean to Mall Santas. In a metaphysical way they are an aspect of the True Santa, and yea verily what harm is visited upon their persons is most surely visited upon the True Santa himself, being linked in spirit as they are. That means it's time to stop drop-kicking them, because nobody, least of all Santa, likes being drop-kicked.

Well, there you are. Eight fantastic ways to guarantee yourself a shiny new whatever-you-asked for this Christmas. Me? I don't have to worry about it, I don't believe in Santa.
Merry Christmas, everyone!


E-Mail/MSN: monster-0@alucentral.ca

Two Days Remain until the Magic Story Time Christmas Spectacular...

Many thanks are due to Google Image Search, without whose help I could never have completed these six articles.

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