Celebrate 'Life Day' with Chewie and family. WITH DOWNLOAD!
By Andrew - December 24, 2003

In 1978 there was a holiday special that rocked the world. Of course, back in 1978 it was pretty damn easy to rock the world. With upcoming death of disco, everyone was doing it. But no one rocked prime time television harder than Lucasfilm. I would like to think it had something to do with their Star Wars Holiday Special, but I'd be lying. The special was bad. Really bad. So bad, in fact, that it has never aired since. So let's take a look at a few reasons why this monstrosity sucked the proverbial 'big one' at a time when Lucas could seemingly do no wrong. Only a few because reruns of the A-Team come on in a few minutes.

We open with Han and Chewie in the Millennium Falcon heading back to Kashyyyk, Chewie's home planet, for Life Day, a Christmas type of holiday that celebrates life. They run into some trouble, like usual, as a Star Destroyer is hot on their tail. The footage of the Star Destroyer was blatantly taken from A New Hope. But it's not like they're gonna sue themselves or anything, and Lucas hadn't quite gone insane yet. Han and Chewie make the jump to light speed and the main credits role.

This isn't the standard Star Wars intro we've come to know and love. First of all, there are no words at a crazy perspective floating by, and the Star Wars logo isn't yellow. But I'm just nitpicking here. The entire opening sequence is almost 3 minutes long. Just long enough to microwave some Pizza Pops, or for me to lose interest in this all together. I like Star Wars. I love the original trilogy, but there have been some pretty spectacular disasters in the franchise. Just look at the prequels. Sure, I liked it when Yoda kicked ass, but he really didn't need to. Everyone was in agreement that he already did.

Now it's time to meet the main characters, Chewbacca's family. First we've got his wife, Malla. Somewhere in between hauling an old man and a wiener kid around and kicking ass on Yavin 4, he got married and had hot wookie sex. How do we know this? That's right. Chewie has a kid.

A kid named Lumpy, to be exact. I don't think it needs to be said that 'Lumpy' has got to be the worst damn name in the galaxy. Lumpy! I wanted to type it again just so you know that it's not a typo. His name is actually Lumpy. Lumpy Lumpy Lumpy. Either that was a cruel joke or someone had a bit too much to drink, but I think it suits him. He's a very annoying and not that clever.

And finally, we've got Chewie's father, Itchy. Another terrible name. But if you think about it, like really hard, these names aren't too bad considering that the entire Wookie language is based on a series of grunts. Itchy is old and likes watching pornographic videos.

This is Chewie's house. It's in a tree.

Alright, on with the show. The first ten minutes after the opening are about as fun as a root canal. The setting is the Wookie household where Malla, Lumpy and Itchy are waiting for Chewie and Han to arrive so they can begin with their Life Day celebrations. This is the problem. The whole damn special is essentially them waiting for Chewie and Han. I hope I didn't ruin it for any of you out there, but that's pretty much it. And if I did ruin it for some of you, I don't care. You're trying to keep away from spoilers for a crappy 25 year old TV special, you moron.

Let's just say that I could have done without those 10 minutes of Wookie dialogue and the auditory mess that is played during this sequence. This has got to be the worst Christmas, err, Life Day songs ever, or at least until the end of the special where Carrie Fisher tries to sing over top of the Star Wars Theme, which was not meant for words.

It's at around this point that Malla and Itchy start to worry about Chewie and Han. They haven't arrived yet and they're late. So they call up Luke to see what's up. This is about as exciting as it gets, folks.

Well, Luke is looking as fruity as ever, but there is a reason behind this. See, Mark Hamill had gotten himself into an accident just a short time before. What many people don't know is that he crashed into a Senior el Makupo's secret make-up factory. This is him after a few weeks of regular bathing. You should have seen him before; he looked like a south side hooker. South side of what? My pants. Bam.

Luke says, "There must have been trouble!", and then pretty much hangs up because R2 started on fire or something. I think, though, that was like when you get your Chinese friend to ring your doorbell and say "Delivery!" when you're on the phone with your Aunt Gertrude. I guess it wouldn't have had to be your 'Chinese' friend, but as bad as this sounds, it's more believable.

Since Luke was so useless, Itchy and Malla contact a trader by the name of Saundan, played by Art Carnie. During the call, Saundan gets a customer, an Imperial customer. This guy is creepy. He talks in a gravelly, low, forced voice and then takes an Imperial grooming device without paying. His only real purpose is to make Saundan speak in code whilst talking to Malla and to give an example to children that he's the kinda guy that you should stay away from, especially if he offers to show you some puppies. That's the only reason he was in this, and that's just sad.

Cut to Darth Vader walking down an Imperial Hallway. Vader wants the rebels located and identified and he doesn't care if it means searching every household in the system. And then we cut back to the Chewie homestead. Seriously, the guy gets maybe 10 seconds of real screen time, and that's even sadder.

Holy crap, back at Chewie's place there isn't much going on. There's even more Wookie dialogue and now there's a four armed chef on the TV. Save me. We also learn that an Imperial blockade has been set up around Kashyyyk. No ships will be able to land or take off until further notice. Then there's a knock at the door and the music gets intense. Could it be some Storm Troopers? Or how about Darth Vader himself!

No. It's just Art Carnie, err, I mean, Saundan again with some porn for Itchy. Here's a Star Wars Holiday Special quick tip: Whenever there is a knock on the door, the music always means the opposite. So let's say it's a gaggle of Storm Troopers on the other side of the door, the music will be happy. However, if it's just Han and Chewie, the music is intense and foreboding. I know it's a ploy to make us think one way when it's actually going to go the other. But it's also kinda like a fat person at a bean eating contest. You know they're gonna pass the gas. It's not an if, it's a when, and this is more predictable than that.

Itchy settles into his porn chair called 'The Mind Evaporator"

Now, onto that Wookie smut. During the course of this article I've alluded to the fact that Itchy likes his porn. No, fuck that. I've said it outright. And Saundan, being a trader of Imperial grooming devices, also has a few erotic programs up his sleeve, and perhaps down his pants. I wouldn't know, I haven't checked. No matter where he hides them, he has them, and gave one to Itchy. Now, in a time of crisis who hasn't thought about sex? I mean, what better way to take your mind off of things?

To be honest though, the porn tape is nothing more than Diahann Carroll telling Itchy that she's his fantasy. And then she sings a song. A really bad song. While we're on the topic of Diahann Carroll, does she really have to spell her name like that? Good lord that's embarrassing.

Another pointless call is made by Princess Leia and C-3P0. They want to talk to Chewie or Han but of course they can't because they haven't arrived yet. We know not of what they to talk to them about, and so it's another pointless scene.

I want to say this right now, just to remind you folks: This was made back when Star Wars was cool. Just so we're clear.

I'm gonna end Part 1 of this article with this nasty cliff hanger of a picture. I know you people are gonna hate me for it. And yes it's just a cheap way of making 11 articles 12. But deal with it.

Here's another link to that terrible song that I mentioned just incase you missed it.
(right-click -> save)


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E-Mail: andrew@ninjacultr.com

Guess what! Buy me stuff for Christmas and I'll probably write a 5000 word essay on how you're awesome. Although half the stuff on that list couldn't be shipped to me if you tried, apparently.

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