By Andrew - December 25, 2003

Attention members of the Rebel Alliance! If you have not read the first part of this article, do so now!

Yesterday I was a mean old bastard and cut the article in two just as Storm Troopers were rushing into Chewie's house. You may also remember that Chewie and Han are on their way, ran into some Imperial trouble and are a little late.

Alright, these Imperial dudes are basically looking for any signs of the Rebels. This is cause for great concern since nearly everyone in the household in a friend of the Alliance. But you've got to remember that these are really low end Imperials. I mean, look where they are. They're on Kashyyyk, home of the Wookies, probably the dullest planet in the Universe. Even Hoth was more exciting than this place, so the Empire wouldn't want to waste their best and brightest here, heavens no. They'd just send some Storm Troopers (which are always low end) and some commanders that flunked out of Imperial Dental School, the famed IDS. Now you can see that our heroes aren't in the least bit of danger, and even Saundan's nearly incoherent ramblings don't tip them off that there might be something afoot.

Saundan then invites one of these Imperial dudes to watch a music video on his wacky TV. Those purple blobs are in fact Jefferson Starship, formerly Jefferson Airplane, formerly Jefferson Hot Air Balloon. This goes on for a good five or six minutes. The song isn't all that bad, actually it's pretty rockin' 70s. But since I'm a fan of the rockin' 80s, they were a decade too early for me.

After the music video, the Imperials kick Saundan out tha house and send Lumpy off to watch a cartoon. I think we all know what's coming up.

I'm not sure what the hell that says, but you know it's time for an animation tour de force. While I might be exaggerating, this was the highlight of the special for me. No, the story isn't really any better, and yes, you can see the ending come from a mile away, but at least it took you away from the dull drudgery that is the rest of the holiday special.

In this animated short, the Han and Chewie duo are on their way back from a secret mission to acquire the mystical talisman that the Alliance and the Empire are searching for. Why? That's not important. What's important is that the Millennium Falcon is on a collision course with the cruiser that everyone else is on. And when I say everyone else, I mean everyone else. Luke, R2-D2, Leia, C-3P0, and I think I even saw Ackbar in there somewhere close to the back. Of course, Admiral Ackbar wasn't even a character in series at the time of this broadcast, but I like to think that the animators were time travelers, or at least psychic.

Oh, did I mention the animation? This is some freaky-deaky stuff.


Look at Luke's piercing eyes and tell me that you don't need a change of pants. Where did his pupils go? Leia took them. She now has four and can see through time.

Okay, so the Millennium Falcon is coming in at high speed and it doesn't look like it's going to slow down any time soon. Good thing it misses the cruiser all together and crashes into a gooey planet. Luke, C-3P0 and R2-D2 go after the Falcon and meet up with none other than Boba Fett.

This was the first time anyone had ever seen Boba Fett. It's also the first time he talks, and talk he does. He says he's not a friend of the Empire, so Luke trusts him, but the droids aren't so accepting.

They reach the Falcon and Chewie explains why Han is hanging upside-down. Didn't I mention that? Han is hanging upside-down, unconscious. And now Luke is unconscious as well. Apparently the talisman carried some kind of sleeping virus that only effects humans, and if they aren't hung upside-down they'll die. Boba Fett knows where to get the remedy for the virus and offers to go get it. Chewie insists on going along, and after a little protest, Fett agrees.

You know and I know that Boba Fett is a bounty hunter and is usually employed by the Empire, and it's no different here. Before getting the serum, Boba Fett, using a phone card, calls Darth Vader to tell him that the plan is working perfectly. Too bad R2-D2 and the rest of the gang are listening in back on the Falcon.

So, when they're back at the Falcon, the jig is up, but first everyone is cured. The Droids tell Han and Luke about Boba and he flies out of the Falcon.

Good grief. This was the best part about this special, and I'm still finding it hard to focus my attention on this long enough to finish a damn sentence.

In the end there is a big explosion. I like big explosions.

When we finally head back to Chewie's house, the Imperials are ransacking the place, ripping apart this and that. Lumpy starts to build his Life Day present he got from Saundan. It's a mini-transmitter and the instructional video that accompanies it is hosted by some sort of malfunctioning robot.

Now, I don't trust robots that can't transform into cars, so this guy scared the shit out of me. But what if I would have seen this as a child? Goodness! When the dude breaks down, his voice winds down as if it was recorded on vinyl and the record player was losing power. It's not really as scary as it is annoying, and I just wanted the sequence to be done already. But for a kid that thinks it's the devil himself speaking through the evil record player, it's a traumatic experience to say the least. Fortunately in this article I don't have to obey the laws of time and space, so we're just gonna say that in the end Lumpy finishes building the damn thing. I'm not gonna be the guy that describes the whole 'how to build your own mini transmitter' procedure. I'm nerdy, but I'm not that nerdy.

The Imperial Troops then have to watch a special live broadcast. It's a requirement of not being shot, and if this doesn't scare you over to the Alliance, nothing will. It's a reality show set in a bar on the famous planet on Tatooine. The bartender is played by Beatrice Arthur of Golden Girls fame, and she sings. Lord, why does she have to sing? It's not pretty. First, though, she has a conversation with a creepy guy who is in love with her. Dude, it's Bea Arthur. Bea Arthur. She's the witty wise-cracking grandma you never had. And when I say "had" I don't mean "had sex with". After that the Empire shuts the place down, which forces Bea into song. It's a confusing sequence of events, one rarely having anything to do with another, but that's really the theme of the whole damn Star Wars Holiday Special.

After the Imperial Troops are done watching their little show, they get a call saying that they should return to base. Of course, we all know this is Lumpy's doing, what with the mini-transmitter and all. One of the Storm Troopers stays behind, though, to watch for any signs of the Rebels. He promptly gets thrown off of the balcony by Han and Chewie as they arrive just in time.

With that, Chewie and family transcend history to arrive in some sort of weird Life Day meeting place. I don't know what's going on. As I said in part 1, Carrie Fisher starts to sing. This was another mistake. Everyone is apparently happy though, so that's something. That's pretty much the end.

All in all I thought that this special focused far too much on Wookies. I know that Chewie is popular, but the rest of the species isn't cool enough to warrant a two hour special on TV. Was this a sign of things to come? Did this predict the quality of the prequels? We may never know. All I know is that while it has a certain nostalgic value, it's not very good and probably should be avoided by everyone except die hard fans.

Also, I'd like to take this time to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, even though as I write this it's 11:15pm on Christmas Day. I don't know about you, but I've got my biggest gathering tomorrow so my Christmas has only begun. I hope you've enjoyed the articles this holiday season. I know we only did 12 days, and I applaud anyone who can actually write an article a day for the whole 25. Believe me, we had more material to write about, and if I wanted an ulcer for Christmas, I would have done it.


(Wookie for "Back to NinjaCulture", not pirate)

AIM: Terrahawk X
E-Mail: andrew@ninjacultr.com

Guess what! Buy me stuff for Christmas and I'll probably write a 5000 word essay on how you're awesome. Although half the stuff on that list couldn't be shipped to me if you tried, apparently.

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